I don't know about you, but I don't like conflict. I hide, run, over-react, shut down... Sundays always bring some kind of conflict, it seems. I guess it is just a hectic day, from the time the alarm goes off until we go to bed, and usually it is the day that my husband and I will find ourselves at odds. Not every week, but if it is gonna happen, it is gonna be on Sunday. Kind of sad, too, since we spend Sunday morning at church helping to lead a marriage class. But, hey, we never claimed to know what we are doing. That's why we use a dvd and a study guide written by someone else.
So, tonight I am hiding. Behind the computer. Nothing major going on here, just the tension of trying to raise kids and work and keep our sanity and our sense of humor (which seems to disappear around 5pm most days). And I know with a simple acknowledgement, just a few words, maybe a touch, I could make it right. But I don't want to, at least not yet. Not because I like the tension. I just don't want to be mature. I want to be selfish and tell myself all the reasons I am right and he is wrong.
Sounds pretty silly and childish, huh?
Maybe instead, I will sit here until I can see clearly what is important. Because even now I know it probably has little to do with whatever we argued about... This is God-designed, this conflict... this constant problem of just being so different. Yes, marriage was designed to have conflict. Otherwise, why would He have made us so differently??
How do you fight fair when you just want to be heard and understood by someone who just wants to be heard and understood? When you both talk, you both shout, and no one is listening? The simple answer is to just stop... To stop talking and just listen... to the words, yes, but more than that to the heart behind the words. I am so bad at this. I have good intentions, always. But in the midst of hurt feelings and harsh words my good intentions fly away like dust. And my only intent becomes to protect or defend myself. In defensive mode, I am really not hearing anything other than the voice of my own fear.
Yes, this is all stemming from a very minor argument, but the principles play out in every conflict, large or small. Sometimes I wonder if God just gives us these "opportunities" to practice the stuff we learn while leading these marriage studies. If so, I guess I should be grateful for the hard moments.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Perspective is really everything, isn't it?
Marriage is not easy. (Is that an obvious statement, or what?) But it draws us closer to the One who created us male and female... And if we really strive to serve one another as unto Christ, won't the small things be just that? Small? And won't the motivation to love remain even when the conflict comes? A theory worth testing...
I should be fighting to hear and understand... not to be heard and understood. Why do I always get it backwards?
Getting it right is always a choice that requires caring for someone else more than I care for me... And trusting in the only One who never fails when failure seems to be my middle name. To drop the self-protective defenses and just love from the center of who I am. It sounds so easy and so pretty. But it seems to come forth only from tears and ugliness. This whole transformation process can be pretty painful to a stubborn, prideful girl like me.
Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with Him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of Himself to us. Love like that.
Ephesians 5:1-2
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
Teenagers, Tweens, and Toddlers... Oh my!
Some days I really don't like my job. I mean, I love the people I work with, although they do tend to be a little demanding, and rarely show any appreciation. Also they are a little on the whiny side. They stress me out and worry me to death and almost never do what they are told. Yep, I am a MOM. And I wouldn't change a thing. They are imperfect little reminders of my own sin nature. Yes, they are imperfect. Just like their mom. So the things that make me the most frustrated with them are the very things that frustrate me about ME. And trying to get to the character root of the behavior issues requires time, consistency, and patience... All areas I am sorely lacking in. But it is their hearts I am after, not just "good" behavior.
So, when the 3 year old darling starts picking fights with me, I must discipline myself to remain calm, loving, patient, and firm....
And when the 13 year old beauty acts like a beast to her little brother, I must remind her to be kind, and that words are for building, not tearing down...
And when brothers fight and aggravate (a constant in our home), I must not allow my own anxiety level to rise with theirs...
And when the 16 year old drives away I must remember Whose he is and turn my worries into prayers instead of lectures about speed limits, school zones and crossing guards... (I actually gave the same lecture to Chandler 3 times this morning, and even followed him to the car. He just grinned in that "Ok, Mom, I got it." way. He seems more grown up than me somedays.)
I guess this morning, what I am thinking about is this: It is Me, Myself, and I that need the discipline... Because if I can discipline myself, then cultivating their character will come a little more naturally. If I can choose a God-parent perspective instead of a Kari perspective then the heart issues are clearer and the less-than-perfect behavior is recognized as a mere symptom. Maybe by the time they are grown I'll have it all figured out. With this many kids I'll have plenty of opportunity to practice!
And when the 13 year old beauty acts like a beast to her little brother, I must remind her to be kind, and that words are for building, not tearing down...
And when brothers fight and aggravate (a constant in our home), I must not allow my own anxiety level to rise with theirs...
And when the 16 year old drives away I must remember Whose he is and turn my worries into prayers instead of lectures about speed limits, school zones and crossing guards... (I actually gave the same lecture to Chandler 3 times this morning, and even followed him to the car. He just grinned in that "Ok, Mom, I got it." way. He seems more grown up than me somedays.)
I guess this morning, what I am thinking about is this: It is Me, Myself, and I that need the discipline... Because if I can discipline myself, then cultivating their character will come a little more naturally. If I can choose a God-parent perspective instead of a Kari perspective then the heart issues are clearer and the less-than-perfect behavior is recognized as a mere symptom. Maybe by the time they are grown I'll have it all figured out. With this many kids I'll have plenty of opportunity to practice!
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Update on my Facebook recovery...
Ok, so I re-activated. Once I figured out that all I had to do to re-activate was log in, I kind of thought going cold turkey seemed a little extreme. My dear husband mowed over the cable line on Saturday, so I went 2 whole days with NO internet or cable tv. Now, the "no tv" meant nothing to me, because I rarely watch it. (although I am developing a love for "Duck Dynasty". Very incongruous with my personality but I do love those redneck millionaires.)
I was surprised at how nice it was just not to have the distraction of any of it... Facebook, email, tv, etc. So when the cable guy showed up Monday morning, I was determined to only check email. No blog stats, and definitely not Facebook. Then I realized I needed some info from a person I usually only communicate with via Facebook. And then I got a text from a friend saying "Would you PLEASE just resign our game on Words with Friends??? It is just sitting there driving me crazy and I can't do anything about it!" And then I got a phone call from a friend my daughter babysits for (arrangements usually made via Facebook messages) who said she had to hunt down my number because she didn't have it saved, and THEN the icing on the proverbial cake.... My dear mom let me know that my dad was disappointed that I wasn't going to be posting about the kids. Because that is how he keeps up with us, and no girl can stand to disappoint her Daddy!! I know. Excuses, excuses, and more excuses. But I did it. I re-activated.
Here are the changes I am implementing to help me control the time spent on Facebook:
1. I updated my email preferences so that private messages would be sent to my email as well, so that if someone needs to reach me who does not have my email/phone number, it is still possible to do it via Facebook.
2. I am not staying logged in after I post something to see if anyone comments. In some cases, I just turn the whole computer off so that it isn't luring me to the desk with that little green light.
3. I am only logging into Facebook when I am truly on a "break"... Meaning, my kids don't need me, there isn't a pile of laundry screaming at me to be folded, and my husband isn't around to hang out or snuggle with.
4. No games. Period. (no judgement if you play them, I just think this is where my downward spiral began!)
5. I am not mindlessly scrolling through my newsfeed to see what my friends are all up to. This was a huge time waster for me.
In true addict fashion, I am telling myself I can do this, that there is no need to give it up entirely, and that my reasons are valid. But I am still praying about whether I am walking in freedom, and exercising self-control, or if I am tiptoeing up to that line of disobedience. I never want to be legalistic about anything. But I do want to be in the center of God's will. So I am praying for discernment.
I really, truly, whole-heartedly welcome your comments and thoughts, particularly about this post. And I welcome the accountability... So if you see me hanging out on Facebook a little more than usual, you might just send me a friendly reminder of my commitment to cut back... (you Truth-loving friends of mine will have no trouble with this, and I am thankful for you!!)
So, don't be alarmed or surprised if I do the yo-yo thing with this for a while. (I have the old song playing in my head "I don't know why I go to extremes...") That is the problem with sharing my struggles with whomever chooses to read about them... You get to watch me try, mess it up, try again, and possibly fail... And then try to make sense of it all! Humbling, indeed.
That's all folks. At least for today. Stay tuned for further developments.
I was surprised at how nice it was just not to have the distraction of any of it... Facebook, email, tv, etc. So when the cable guy showed up Monday morning, I was determined to only check email. No blog stats, and definitely not Facebook. Then I realized I needed some info from a person I usually only communicate with via Facebook. And then I got a text from a friend saying "Would you PLEASE just resign our game on Words with Friends??? It is just sitting there driving me crazy and I can't do anything about it!" And then I got a phone call from a friend my daughter babysits for (arrangements usually made via Facebook messages) who said she had to hunt down my number because she didn't have it saved, and THEN the icing on the proverbial cake.... My dear mom let me know that my dad was disappointed that I wasn't going to be posting about the kids. Because that is how he keeps up with us, and no girl can stand to disappoint her Daddy!! I know. Excuses, excuses, and more excuses. But I did it. I re-activated.
Here are the changes I am implementing to help me control the time spent on Facebook:
1. I updated my email preferences so that private messages would be sent to my email as well, so that if someone needs to reach me who does not have my email/phone number, it is still possible to do it via Facebook.
2. I am not staying logged in after I post something to see if anyone comments. In some cases, I just turn the whole computer off so that it isn't luring me to the desk with that little green light.
3. I am only logging into Facebook when I am truly on a "break"... Meaning, my kids don't need me, there isn't a pile of laundry screaming at me to be folded, and my husband isn't around to hang out or snuggle with.
4. No games. Period. (no judgement if you play them, I just think this is where my downward spiral began!)
5. I am not mindlessly scrolling through my newsfeed to see what my friends are all up to. This was a huge time waster for me.
In true addict fashion, I am telling myself I can do this, that there is no need to give it up entirely, and that my reasons are valid. But I am still praying about whether I am walking in freedom, and exercising self-control, or if I am tiptoeing up to that line of disobedience. I never want to be legalistic about anything. But I do want to be in the center of God's will. So I am praying for discernment.
I really, truly, whole-heartedly welcome your comments and thoughts, particularly about this post. And I welcome the accountability... So if you see me hanging out on Facebook a little more than usual, you might just send me a friendly reminder of my commitment to cut back... (you Truth-loving friends of mine will have no trouble with this, and I am thankful for you!!)
So, don't be alarmed or surprised if I do the yo-yo thing with this for a while. (I have the old song playing in my head "I don't know why I go to extremes...") That is the problem with sharing my struggles with whomever chooses to read about them... You get to watch me try, mess it up, try again, and possibly fail... And then try to make sense of it all! Humbling, indeed.
That's all folks. At least for today. Stay tuned for further developments.
Friday, March 30, 2012
To Post or Not To Post?
All who know me know that I am a Facebook fan. Being at home with children so much of the time, it is nice to have a connection to the outside world at my fingertips. I used to log on maybe twice a day, for 10 to 15 minutes at the most. No games, no lengthy conversations, no "stalking". And now, a few years later, I seem to have let it get a bit out of hand. My life does not allow me to sit for long periods of time, but I find myself leaving my newsfeed pulled up on the screen and then checking it every time I walk past the computer. You know, just to make sure I haven't missed anything urgent since I last left the room. Oh and I also discovered Words With Friends. For a girl who loves word games, particularly Scrabble, this was like stumbling upon Utopia right here in my living room.
I prayed about giving up Facebook for lent, but reasoned in my mind that since I am Southern Baptist this was not really necessary. Then I prayed about just taking a break, and reasoned that my out of town friends and family would be miserably unhappy if I did not post adorable pictures of my muddy children. Then I prayed about just giving it up entirely and reasoned that I might lose my sanity if I don't maintain some sort of connection to life outside the walls of my home. Obviously, God is pricking my heart about this, but I have been reluctant to obey. Which is, in fact, disobedience. Ouch. I do not want to play with disobedience. I know the end result of that choice all too well. So what now? I wanted to write this post just to see for myself in black and white text the negative effects of this growing addiction that I am already aware of:
1. Comparing myself, my life, to others on Facebook is breeding discontent. I do NOT do this intentionally. In fact, I intentionally try NOT to compare my real life with the highlight reel of someone else's... But I will read about someone's wonderful vacation, or see a picture of the huge flower arrangement a friend's husband sent for no reason, and it will just stick in my mind. I don't mean for it to stick, but it does.
2. I have replaced "real" reading with reading snippets and blog posts and quotes via Facebook. I used to read voraciously. Now I am lucky to finish a book every 6 months. There is nothing wrong with the inspirational quotes and messages I find on Facebook, but those things alone are not enough to drive truth deep into my soul.
3. My quiet times aren't really quiet. I often sit at the computer desk to read my Bible and devotional, and it is nice to be able to look something up online. ( I love BibleGateway, by the way.) But inevitably I read something profound and my first thought is, "I need to post this on Facebook!" So instead of just spending time with God, listening, I am spending time with God and 540 of my closest friends. Sharing. (If you call it sharing it sounds so much more spiritual, doesn't it?)
4. I am not really being real, at least not all of the time. I have some tricky relationships in my life, just like you do. And I have been called out a couple times for saying something (unintentionally) that offended someone else. I am an approval junkie, so this kind of thing can throw me into a tailspin, and make me feel the need to measure every word and possible response before I post something. I still haven't fully conquered my "need to please". This makes Facebook dangerous territory at times.
5. Quite simply, it is a huge distraction. I have a large family. And a big, old house that needs constant attention. But instead of working on those little projects that could make my home more lovely, more comfortable, (or just CLEAN), I spend what little free time I have with my butt glued to a chair and my eyes glued to a screen. And then I feel the dreaded GUILT. I really hate that emotion. Hate. It.
Ok, there you have it. Five of the many reasons I feel God is asking me to "de-activate". I don't want to. But this is just another way I need to die to myself... It might seem silly, but God works even in the smallest parts of our lives, right? And even a small disobedience can turn into a BIG consequence. This I know. I believe if He is asking me to do this then He has something GOOD in store for me that I will miss if I choose not to obey. And I have really missed my blog, so this will free me up to write and post more here! So come visit me here, comment, and let's hang out. Just not on Facebook. :)
I prayed about giving up Facebook for lent, but reasoned in my mind that since I am Southern Baptist this was not really necessary. Then I prayed about just taking a break, and reasoned that my out of town friends and family would be miserably unhappy if I did not post adorable pictures of my muddy children. Then I prayed about just giving it up entirely and reasoned that I might lose my sanity if I don't maintain some sort of connection to life outside the walls of my home. Obviously, God is pricking my heart about this, but I have been reluctant to obey. Which is, in fact, disobedience. Ouch. I do not want to play with disobedience. I know the end result of that choice all too well. So what now? I wanted to write this post just to see for myself in black and white text the negative effects of this growing addiction that I am already aware of:
1. Comparing myself, my life, to others on Facebook is breeding discontent. I do NOT do this intentionally. In fact, I intentionally try NOT to compare my real life with the highlight reel of someone else's... But I will read about someone's wonderful vacation, or see a picture of the huge flower arrangement a friend's husband sent for no reason, and it will just stick in my mind. I don't mean for it to stick, but it does.
2. I have replaced "real" reading with reading snippets and blog posts and quotes via Facebook. I used to read voraciously. Now I am lucky to finish a book every 6 months. There is nothing wrong with the inspirational quotes and messages I find on Facebook, but those things alone are not enough to drive truth deep into my soul.
3. My quiet times aren't really quiet. I often sit at the computer desk to read my Bible and devotional, and it is nice to be able to look something up online. ( I love BibleGateway, by the way.) But inevitably I read something profound and my first thought is, "I need to post this on Facebook!" So instead of just spending time with God, listening, I am spending time with God and 540 of my closest friends. Sharing. (If you call it sharing it sounds so much more spiritual, doesn't it?)
4. I am not really being real, at least not all of the time. I have some tricky relationships in my life, just like you do. And I have been called out a couple times for saying something (unintentionally) that offended someone else. I am an approval junkie, so this kind of thing can throw me into a tailspin, and make me feel the need to measure every word and possible response before I post something. I still haven't fully conquered my "need to please". This makes Facebook dangerous territory at times.
5. Quite simply, it is a huge distraction. I have a large family. And a big, old house that needs constant attention. But instead of working on those little projects that could make my home more lovely, more comfortable, (or just CLEAN), I spend what little free time I have with my butt glued to a chair and my eyes glued to a screen. And then I feel the dreaded GUILT. I really hate that emotion. Hate. It.
Ok, there you have it. Five of the many reasons I feel God is asking me to "de-activate". I don't want to. But this is just another way I need to die to myself... It might seem silly, but God works even in the smallest parts of our lives, right? And even a small disobedience can turn into a BIG consequence. This I know. I believe if He is asking me to do this then He has something GOOD in store for me that I will miss if I choose not to obey. And I have really missed my blog, so this will free me up to write and post more here! So come visit me here, comment, and let's hang out. Just not on Facebook. :)
Monday, January 2, 2012
To Say Thanks
No resolutions this year. Not that there aren't some things I'd like to change, do differently, do better... Just thinking I'll take it one day at a time and see where God leads. I did, however, spend some time yesterday reflecting over 2011 and all the countless ways God blessed us. This post is just a record of some of the "big ones". No particular order, just making sure I get it in black and white for those days in 2012 when I need to be reminded.
1. I got to spend all of 2011 with my best friend. Michael and I have had a lot of storms to weather together, and he has been a rock. I am so grateful for that man.
2. All of our kids have been healthy and injury free, and with 7 children that is no small miracle!
3. After two years of job-searching, Michael got a great job with a great company, and God has truly blessed his hard work.
4. Somehow, like the loaves and fishes, we had enough. Every month, every week, every day, God provided what we needed and more. I am continually amazed at how He provides for His children.
5. We were able to keep our home, despite being on the very brink of foreclosure. God provided the way out of this near disaster just in time! I don't think I will ever take these four walls for granted again.
6. We got the blessing of being involved in ministry at our church to other blended families seeking peace in their homes, and God has allowed us to grow and serve at Willowbrook in ways I never could have imagined. He truly uses ANYBODY with a willing and available heart!
7. Despite our tight finances and large family with an impossible budget, we have been able to give... I am so thankful that my frugal husband has a generous heart and is faithful to tithe and give even when we can't see how the numbers will work. This is God's grace at work in our lives.
8. We have watched our family truly start to "blend", seeing relationships deepen, seeing our kids take up for each other, enjoy each other, and our house has truly begun to feel like our home. We still have some growing to do, but we are on the right track, and I am so thankful.
9. Friendships. I never could have imagined that I would have the kind of friends that God has blessed my life with. My life is rich and full because of the women God has placed around me. All different... some wise, some just so infectiously FUN, some that are so much like me, and some who are just plain sweet. I pray that I will be a good friend to each of them in the coming year!
10. Our families. Our parents have all been (relatively) healthy, with only a few scares... We are so thankful God has been gracious and allowed us to enjoy our parents, siblings, nieces, and nephews. Life is short...
These ten, all gifts from God, are the tip of the iceberg, really... but are definitely among the the blessings I am most grateful for. I don't know what this new year holds, thankfully. But I know I serve a God I can trust to make my path straight. I pray I will not fail to say thanks, everyday, for every gift of grace. I am well aware that I deserve none of it.
Happy New Year!
1. I got to spend all of 2011 with my best friend. Michael and I have had a lot of storms to weather together, and he has been a rock. I am so grateful for that man.
2. All of our kids have been healthy and injury free, and with 7 children that is no small miracle!
3. After two years of job-searching, Michael got a great job with a great company, and God has truly blessed his hard work.
4. Somehow, like the loaves and fishes, we had enough. Every month, every week, every day, God provided what we needed and more. I am continually amazed at how He provides for His children.
5. We were able to keep our home, despite being on the very brink of foreclosure. God provided the way out of this near disaster just in time! I don't think I will ever take these four walls for granted again.
6. We got the blessing of being involved in ministry at our church to other blended families seeking peace in their homes, and God has allowed us to grow and serve at Willowbrook in ways I never could have imagined. He truly uses ANYBODY with a willing and available heart!
7. Despite our tight finances and large family with an impossible budget, we have been able to give... I am so thankful that my frugal husband has a generous heart and is faithful to tithe and give even when we can't see how the numbers will work. This is God's grace at work in our lives.
8. We have watched our family truly start to "blend", seeing relationships deepen, seeing our kids take up for each other, enjoy each other, and our house has truly begun to feel like our home. We still have some growing to do, but we are on the right track, and I am so thankful.
9. Friendships. I never could have imagined that I would have the kind of friends that God has blessed my life with. My life is rich and full because of the women God has placed around me. All different... some wise, some just so infectiously FUN, some that are so much like me, and some who are just plain sweet. I pray that I will be a good friend to each of them in the coming year!
10. Our families. Our parents have all been (relatively) healthy, with only a few scares... We are so thankful God has been gracious and allowed us to enjoy our parents, siblings, nieces, and nephews. Life is short...
These ten, all gifts from God, are the tip of the iceberg, really... but are definitely among the the blessings I am most grateful for. I don't know what this new year holds, thankfully. But I know I serve a God I can trust to make my path straight. I pray I will not fail to say thanks, everyday, for every gift of grace. I am well aware that I deserve none of it.
Happy New Year!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
The Trouble with Truth
Sometimes a conversation starts and you think you know where it is going, and then it surprises you and takes a turn you did not expect... I had one of those this morning. I was flipping through a magazine I recently subscribed to while sitting at the kitchen table having coffee and chatting with my husband. I was reading him snippets of articles that were interesting... All written by mothers and wives seeking to be women of virtue, and I came across that dreaded word you don't hear so much in association with marriage these days..."obey". I turned the page and said something to the effect of "what an old fashioned chauvinistic way of thinking". And my sweet and wise husband who normally would not plunge into these deep waters without first thinking said, "But look how happy they are. Look at their families, how simply they live. I'm no chauvinist, but there is something to be said for those 'old fashioned' values." Whoa. I was NOT expecting that.
So I took a deep breath and tentatively stepped into the water with him. I asked him to elaborate. He said he felt our family had no clear leader... That maybe I (really? me?) was not really willing to submit to anyone else's authority. And I said, "so you are saying I am not a submissive wife?" (I think he may have held back a chuckle here, I can't be sure) Now, I should clarify that he was not suggesting that I not have an opinion, or a voice, or that I shouldn't have some authority in our home.. I knew exactly what he meant. I did not have to think long before I saw the reason... It is impossible to be submissive and defensive at the same time. And I am carrying some baggage that causes me to fear giving anyone else the ability to take advantage of me, fear that I will lose my voice, and ultimately myself (again) so I defend. I stand tall and strong and pretend to be in charge. And he lets me because he is gentle and patient, and to some degree understands the why behind it all. I had fooled myself into thinking this was working for us until this morning. I am thankful he was vulnerable enough to say what was in his heart, though it raised some questions I have turned over in my mind all day.
As I said, these are deep waters, and I am not really able to articulate all that is floating around in my head just yet... But I know that this is one area God and I will be doing some work on. Or, I guess I should say, I will "submit" to whatever work God chooses to do in me. (See? I really do like to be in charge.) I don't like the fact that God keeps holding up that mirror of truth and letting me see the ugliness still within, but at least in His mercy He usually just gives me one area at a time to deal with. So, I guess this is "goodbye, control freak" and "hello sweet virtuous and lovely submissive wife". Oh my. This will not be a quick fix, I fear! But true beauty is never easy... It always starts on the inside, right? Too bad there isn't a 7-day herbal cleanse for this kind of stuff! I am very thankful God gave me ears to hear my husband's heart this morning. Now it is time to do something about it. When I figure out what, exactly, I will probably write about that. For now, I am just praying for a softer, more trusting heart and for the grace to grow into a wife that truly honors God. A pretty good place to start, I think.
So I took a deep breath and tentatively stepped into the water with him. I asked him to elaborate. He said he felt our family had no clear leader... That maybe I (really? me?) was not really willing to submit to anyone else's authority. And I said, "so you are saying I am not a submissive wife?" (I think he may have held back a chuckle here, I can't be sure) Now, I should clarify that he was not suggesting that I not have an opinion, or a voice, or that I shouldn't have some authority in our home.. I knew exactly what he meant. I did not have to think long before I saw the reason... It is impossible to be submissive and defensive at the same time. And I am carrying some baggage that causes me to fear giving anyone else the ability to take advantage of me, fear that I will lose my voice, and ultimately myself (again) so I defend. I stand tall and strong and pretend to be in charge. And he lets me because he is gentle and patient, and to some degree understands the why behind it all. I had fooled myself into thinking this was working for us until this morning. I am thankful he was vulnerable enough to say what was in his heart, though it raised some questions I have turned over in my mind all day.
As I said, these are deep waters, and I am not really able to articulate all that is floating around in my head just yet... But I know that this is one area God and I will be doing some work on. Or, I guess I should say, I will "submit" to whatever work God chooses to do in me. (See? I really do like to be in charge.) I don't like the fact that God keeps holding up that mirror of truth and letting me see the ugliness still within, but at least in His mercy He usually just gives me one area at a time to deal with. So, I guess this is "goodbye, control freak" and "hello sweet virtuous and lovely submissive wife". Oh my. This will not be a quick fix, I fear! But true beauty is never easy... It always starts on the inside, right? Too bad there isn't a 7-day herbal cleanse for this kind of stuff! I am very thankful God gave me ears to hear my husband's heart this morning. Now it is time to do something about it. When I figure out what, exactly, I will probably write about that. For now, I am just praying for a softer, more trusting heart and for the grace to grow into a wife that truly honors God. A pretty good place to start, I think.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
The Gift of Now
Time to slow down. That's been the message.... The soft whisper in my soul, the quiet words in my mind. And still I hurry. I hurry to get kids fed and off to school, I hurry to get myself ready for the day, I hurry to load babies in carseats, I hurry to get home to start dinner and homework and snacks and laundry, I hurry to do the dishes and hurry kids off to bed. And still He whispers, "Kari, slow down. Take time to be present in these moments without looking to the next one." And I hear it, and I think that I will slow down, maybe just once I get the kitchen clean and the laundry put away. How can a mama slow down with so much to be done?
And that's when it hits. Two little ones with stomach viruses. Everything else stops spinning and I focus on just these two pitiful ones. I don't do dishes, I don't cook, I don't fold any clothes or put on any makeup. I just hold them, wash their faces with a cool cloth, sit with them, sing to them... I send my regrets for parties and events on my calendar, and the to-do list gets lost in the pile of unopened mail on the table. And the world doesn't crumble around me. The house still stands, the children still get fed, and by some small miracle I regain some lost piece of myself in the not-doing.
Today is day 4 of the virus, which unfortunately has passed from little ones to Daddy. And just today it occurred to me that it was all by design... That just maybe I was saying "no" to the one thing we all needed most. It is hard to be fully present with so many things pulling me away, until I have no choice. While I am not thankful that my family has been ill, I am very grateful that God has used this time to remind me that I don't have to do it all. That He does not need me to run the world. (Imagine that?) That it is not only ok, but necessary to just be still sometimes.
For some weeks now, I have been in the process of evaluating my time and how I spend it, making changes to my schedule and obligations so that I can be here and available. I am thankful for a God who calls me back to the now and shows me where I have overextended myself. I don't want my legacy to be "She washed a lot of dishes and ran a lot of errands." I want to give them more of myself than what's leftover after all the menial and mundane tasks are checked off my list. There will always be more laundry to fold and more dishes to wash. But there won't always be kids sitting at my table doing homework, or babies to read to. If I'm not careful and intentional, I might miss it. And to miss it for something so meaningless as an empty sink would be a tragedy, indeed.
As my family is on the mend, I am praying for a fresh awareness of what's really important that will last into the coming days and weeks and months, that I won't forget next week when the pace of this season tries to sweep me away to just be present. To be here, now. Because now is a gift.
"Live wisely... and make the most of every opportunity." Colossians 4:5
And that's when it hits. Two little ones with stomach viruses. Everything else stops spinning and I focus on just these two pitiful ones. I don't do dishes, I don't cook, I don't fold any clothes or put on any makeup. I just hold them, wash their faces with a cool cloth, sit with them, sing to them... I send my regrets for parties and events on my calendar, and the to-do list gets lost in the pile of unopened mail on the table. And the world doesn't crumble around me. The house still stands, the children still get fed, and by some small miracle I regain some lost piece of myself in the not-doing.
Today is day 4 of the virus, which unfortunately has passed from little ones to Daddy. And just today it occurred to me that it was all by design... That just maybe I was saying "no" to the one thing we all needed most. It is hard to be fully present with so many things pulling me away, until I have no choice. While I am not thankful that my family has been ill, I am very grateful that God has used this time to remind me that I don't have to do it all. That He does not need me to run the world. (Imagine that?) That it is not only ok, but necessary to just be still sometimes.
For some weeks now, I have been in the process of evaluating my time and how I spend it, making changes to my schedule and obligations so that I can be here and available. I am thankful for a God who calls me back to the now and shows me where I have overextended myself. I don't want my legacy to be "She washed a lot of dishes and ran a lot of errands." I want to give them more of myself than what's leftover after all the menial and mundane tasks are checked off my list. There will always be more laundry to fold and more dishes to wash. But there won't always be kids sitting at my table doing homework, or babies to read to. If I'm not careful and intentional, I might miss it. And to miss it for something so meaningless as an empty sink would be a tragedy, indeed.
As my family is on the mend, I am praying for a fresh awareness of what's really important that will last into the coming days and weeks and months, that I won't forget next week when the pace of this season tries to sweep me away to just be present. To be here, now. Because now is a gift.
"Live wisely... and make the most of every opportunity." Colossians 4:5
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)