Mondays can really be tough. Today has been no exception. Sundays are wild for us, with Sunday School lessons to teach, all these children to have bathed and presentable for church, hurried meals, hot afternoons at the ball park and then back to church again... All things we love to do, and we fly through the day and fall into bed exhausted, leaving dishes and laundry and messes for Monday. I woke up bright and early this morning determined to accomplish just one thing before I left to teach a class of 2 and 3 year olds at day camp. So I made the coffee, checked my email and somehow got glued to the computer long enough that I did not have time to do the ONE THING I meant to do...
I got to "school" (as the twins refer to day camp) to find that my precious class full of little ones had all apparently had the same kind of Sunday as me! They were tired, cranky, whiny, and frankly, so was I! And so began quite possibly the longest 3 hours of my life. My patience was thin as ice, my countenance could not possibly have been pleasant, though I was trying my best to appear cheerful. We all survived, with some tears and a few time-outs. (Wouldn't it be nice if we could put ourselves in time-out once in a while?)
Back at home, I fed my little ones and laid them down for a nap, and laid down on the couch to "rest my eyes" just a bit. Dear husband calls and asks me to look at his email for him, and I get glued to the computer again. This time, scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed. And of course, it happens. I see something that makes my heart start pounding, my blood pressure rise, and I feel the toxic defensive words forming in my mind and racing to my fingers to be typed in response to a "dig" at someone I care about. And I would be justified, right?? Shouldn't we defend the ones we love?
So I argue with myself a bit, and decide to wait, to let it roll off my shoulders, so to speak... to choose grace and be silent. And the very next thing I read reminds me to dwell on "these things"... "whatever is true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling and gracious, the best, not the worst, the beautiful, not the ugly, things to praise not things to curse." (Philippians 4:8-9) And then I remembered the thing I forgot to do this morning... I forgot to dwell on "these things" first. Before the morning rush, before the cranky little people, before the tired afternoon slump, before the reading of what ugliness others are "dwelling on"... I can't believe how easily I forget to do the most important thing. And what a profound impact that one thing has on my day, and those who are part of my life.
People are messy. Life is messy. And not one of us gets it right all the time. God whispers to me constantly, "Give grace, Kari... Give grace..." And I want to. I have certainly been given grace, and received it joyfully. Why do I just want to hold on to it, all stingy and proud, like I had anything at all to do with it? The rest of that passage in Philippians has a promise. "Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into His most excellent harmonies."
Harmony. Isn't that my desire? Learning with each day that it takes discipline, and choosing to fill my head with Truth, and choosing patience. I read once that "Love always begins with patience." And if I have so little patience, am I really loving anyone well? The hope here is this: I am growing in the failures... I am learning to see with new eyes... I am changing. Slow and steady. And I am thankful.
Hoping and praying that I am less forgetful, more patient, more loving and more "me" on Tuesday! Prayers for your tomorrows too.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Looking for Miracles
What is a miracle? Webster's defines it as "an extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs." I pray for miracles all the time.... When the mortgage isn't paid and the bank account is dry and when cancer eats away at those we love, but I ask with this doubt that says "I know He can, but I don't believe He will." So my prayers are weak, ineffective, really just bouncing off the ceiling because of my unbelief. It occurred to me yesterday, while wringing my hands and begging for some divine intervention that I had it backward... That God is ALWAYS working miracles in my life. That my prayer should simply be "Open my eyes to what You are already doing." Because truthfully, we rarely get the answers we seek when we seek rescue, or an easy way out, or relief from suffering... And this has always frustrated me, that life seems to always win out over faith. But with a different perspective, could I begin to see the miracles all around me? And in seeing those miracles that aren't the kind that make us wealthy or well or even comfortable, could I begin to cultivate thankfulness for even the hard things? And wouldn't that be a miracle in itself? Interesting thought...
I grew weary yesterday of wringing my hands in worry, so in order to fill the air (and my head) with something other than fear, I began singing to myself... "Blessed be the Name of the Lord, Blessed be the Name... You give and take away, you give and take away.." What happened next was astonishing... I began to smile, then trying to remember the verses, I fumbled through the rest of the song with some wrong lyrics and some humming, and I realized, It's true!! Worship is the way out. The way out of fear, the way out of worry, the way out of ME... I have probably been told this, heard sermons on this, and frankly, I've always been one to sing only with a full heart, not start with an empty heart to fill... Again, I just had it backward.
I'd love to tell you that miraculously, my circumstances changed, but you won't be surprised when I say that the only change was in me....For the moment though, it was enough. I eventually stopped singing, and the worry and fear rushed back in, and I cried a little and got through the rest of the day and went to bed not really thinking of anything at all. I woke up remembering, though, and seeing the miracle that I almost missed... And then taking a mental inventory of the miracles happening that don't really feel much like miracles at all... And so today, I am trying to remember to not ask for the scenery to change, but for new eyes, and while I wait for that sight I will sing... "I lift my hands to believe again, You are my refuge, You are my strength, As I pour out my heart, these things I remember, You are faithful God, forever...."
I grew weary yesterday of wringing my hands in worry, so in order to fill the air (and my head) with something other than fear, I began singing to myself... "Blessed be the Name of the Lord, Blessed be the Name... You give and take away, you give and take away.." What happened next was astonishing... I began to smile, then trying to remember the verses, I fumbled through the rest of the song with some wrong lyrics and some humming, and I realized, It's true!! Worship is the way out. The way out of fear, the way out of worry, the way out of ME... I have probably been told this, heard sermons on this, and frankly, I've always been one to sing only with a full heart, not start with an empty heart to fill... Again, I just had it backward.
I'd love to tell you that miraculously, my circumstances changed, but you won't be surprised when I say that the only change was in me....For the moment though, it was enough. I eventually stopped singing, and the worry and fear rushed back in, and I cried a little and got through the rest of the day and went to bed not really thinking of anything at all. I woke up remembering, though, and seeing the miracle that I almost missed... And then taking a mental inventory of the miracles happening that don't really feel much like miracles at all... And so today, I am trying to remember to not ask for the scenery to change, but for new eyes, and while I wait for that sight I will sing... "I lift my hands to believe again, You are my refuge, You are my strength, As I pour out my heart, these things I remember, You are faithful God, forever...."
Sunday, June 12, 2011
The Silent Treatment
I use a lot of words. I like words, how there are so many ways to say something and give it just the right effect or connotation... I blog because the words leaving my head are like therapy to me, a way to "get it out" so I can let go. I wish I could say that my words are always "seasoned with grace", but it would be far from the truth. I want them to be. But often what comes out is the frustration, impatience, the steam that has built up over all the "little messes" a day holds. This week has been filled with opportunities to give grace to others, by speaking in love or by just not speaking at all... I have failed almost every single time. And every time, I have hung my head, asked God to forgive, and asked for another chance or two to get it right? A dangerous prayer to pray, friends! But I WANT this change, this transformation, and how else but to practice? So this post of carefully selected words is just a girl digging her trench for the battle, trusting God to finish what He started in my heart, this path to a grace-full life.
What God has prescribed for me, to cure this mouth, these hands, of these toxic words, is a Silent Treatment of sorts... Now, ask my husband and he will laugh, telling you I am not capable of being silent. I realize a lot of women use the "silent treatment" when angry, but not this girl. I talk, and text, and talk, and text some more until I am satisfied my point has gotten across. Then I think about all the words I wish I'd said, and look for opportunities to say them! (I am not advocating this approach, as it has a way of making a bad situation worse.) The book of Proverbs is filled with instruction on how to use our words wisely, and the dangers of reckless words. What is a reckless word? Any word I say that isn't flowing from a heart of grace and compassion, any word I say that is merely an emotional reaction, any word I say that I haven't carefully chosen in order to reflect Jesus and His love. I have spoken (and texted) many reckless words this week, and in the moment, felt justified in speaking them. Today, in hindsight, I am filled with regret and shame that I could be so self-righteous, so superior, so arrogant... But the words are out there, and I can't get them back. So what is a girl to do? I think I will follow God's instruction and learn when to speak up and when to shut up!
Here is my plan... It might prove to be the single hardest thing I have ever done... I am going to be quiet. I am going to make a concentrated effort to identify the anxiety, frustration, and impatience that often lead to my recklessly spoken words. And when I am feeling those things, I am (with God's help) going to be silent! I will leave the room or situation if necessary, pray for grace, and just not say anything. Honestly, I can't remember a time when I have said anything of any value when my anxiety level was high. So the obvious solution is to just not talk. Or text. Or email. (Might still blog, just not publish? You know, to get it out...)
So many times this week, I spoke (or texted), then immediately realized I had just blown it. Royally. Again. And wished I could rewind and get a do-over. But it takes more than wishing, doesn't it? It would be nice if we could just wish to be Christlike and that was enough. Or just pretend that we are until we really are. But I would rather live authentically, be honest about the fact that I am a work in progress, because, if we are honest, aren't we all muddling and struggling and learning this straight and narrow?
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, so this week I think I'll keep what's left of my sanity and try something new! I have practiced a little today, and found that it takes great concentration to keep my mouth shut. And I even looked up several key verses on word-wisdom to memorize. Hopefully that will keep my mind too busy to replay conversations, imagining all the things I could have said to cut someone down to size or get the last word. And above all, I am praying that God will fill me with His grace and true compassion, and that I won't be so easily distracted by the messiness of life and forget who and Whose I am. Of what value is proving a point or being "right" if I have made someone feel unloved, unaccepted or devalued? Makes my heart hurt to think I have been guilty of those things, because I have certainly been on the receiving end enough to know how it feels. It hurts to feel like LESS. But when my words cut down, I am making someone feel like LESS. Aren't we called to build one another up? Is that just a guideline for our easy relationships? I am beginning to see that it is all the more important to build up those that are the HARDEST to show grace to, because the hard relationships are the ones that teach us how to make less of ourselves, how to walk humbly and justly, with compassion and mercy. Like Jesus. He showed us how. With the woman at the well. With you and with me.
Following His lead this week... Speaking only grace-words (because I can do EVERYTHING through Him who gives me strength). Wonder if you care to join me?
Proverbs 12:18 Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.
Proverbs 16:24 Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and nourishing to the bones.
What God has prescribed for me, to cure this mouth, these hands, of these toxic words, is a Silent Treatment of sorts... Now, ask my husband and he will laugh, telling you I am not capable of being silent. I realize a lot of women use the "silent treatment" when angry, but not this girl. I talk, and text, and talk, and text some more until I am satisfied my point has gotten across. Then I think about all the words I wish I'd said, and look for opportunities to say them! (I am not advocating this approach, as it has a way of making a bad situation worse.) The book of Proverbs is filled with instruction on how to use our words wisely, and the dangers of reckless words. What is a reckless word? Any word I say that isn't flowing from a heart of grace and compassion, any word I say that is merely an emotional reaction, any word I say that I haven't carefully chosen in order to reflect Jesus and His love. I have spoken (and texted) many reckless words this week, and in the moment, felt justified in speaking them. Today, in hindsight, I am filled with regret and shame that I could be so self-righteous, so superior, so arrogant... But the words are out there, and I can't get them back. So what is a girl to do? I think I will follow God's instruction and learn when to speak up and when to shut up!
Here is my plan... It might prove to be the single hardest thing I have ever done... I am going to be quiet. I am going to make a concentrated effort to identify the anxiety, frustration, and impatience that often lead to my recklessly spoken words. And when I am feeling those things, I am (with God's help) going to be silent! I will leave the room or situation if necessary, pray for grace, and just not say anything. Honestly, I can't remember a time when I have said anything of any value when my anxiety level was high. So the obvious solution is to just not talk. Or text. Or email. (Might still blog, just not publish? You know, to get it out...)
So many times this week, I spoke (or texted), then immediately realized I had just blown it. Royally. Again. And wished I could rewind and get a do-over. But it takes more than wishing, doesn't it? It would be nice if we could just wish to be Christlike and that was enough. Or just pretend that we are until we really are. But I would rather live authentically, be honest about the fact that I am a work in progress, because, if we are honest, aren't we all muddling and struggling and learning this straight and narrow?
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, so this week I think I'll keep what's left of my sanity and try something new! I have practiced a little today, and found that it takes great concentration to keep my mouth shut. And I even looked up several key verses on word-wisdom to memorize. Hopefully that will keep my mind too busy to replay conversations, imagining all the things I could have said to cut someone down to size or get the last word. And above all, I am praying that God will fill me with His grace and true compassion, and that I won't be so easily distracted by the messiness of life and forget who and Whose I am. Of what value is proving a point or being "right" if I have made someone feel unloved, unaccepted or devalued? Makes my heart hurt to think I have been guilty of those things, because I have certainly been on the receiving end enough to know how it feels. It hurts to feel like LESS. But when my words cut down, I am making someone feel like LESS. Aren't we called to build one another up? Is that just a guideline for our easy relationships? I am beginning to see that it is all the more important to build up those that are the HARDEST to show grace to, because the hard relationships are the ones that teach us how to make less of ourselves, how to walk humbly and justly, with compassion and mercy. Like Jesus. He showed us how. With the woman at the well. With you and with me.
Following His lead this week... Speaking only grace-words (because I can do EVERYTHING through Him who gives me strength). Wonder if you care to join me?
Proverbs 12:18 Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.
Proverbs 16:24 Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and nourishing to the bones.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
An Easy Rhythm
There is an easy rhythm to a life of Grace. And the best part about Grace is that it is a total GIFT, not something to strive and work for. I have learned, though, that walking in it consistently requires one thing. Surrender. I write about this a lot, I guess, because it is what God is working into my heart and mind these days. He invites me with every sunrise to just open my hands and let go. Let go of my worry and anxiety, let go of my need to control, let go of my expectations of others, let go of my plans for the day and let Him take all of those burdens off my shoulders and just be free to live and move and breathe. The days that I make the choice to receive this daily gift of Grace and walk in it are glorious, easy days, no matter the circumstances I face. The days I refuse to open my clenched fists and let go are marked with stress, anxiety, and exhaustion. Seems like the choice would be easy, right? Not for this stubborn girl. There are so many days when I choose to believe that striving and worrying will accomplish more than resting and praying. Probably because I am new to this kind of faith. This real, every minute of every day faith that you don't cling to only in the storms but in the everyday messes and realities and struggles that are common to every mom.... I wanted to share how I am "practicing" the art of Grace, because I suspect I am not travelling alone on this journey.
Taking my thoughts captive. This is especially difficult for women, because our emotions are so very powerful, and tend to rule our thinking. I am learning to just STOP. When I begin to feel that heart-racing anxiety, or the heat of anger, or the rush of frustration, I (try to) make a conscious choice to reign all of that in, remind myself of Who is in control, and of my own responsibility to show Grace in the same measure that I have received it (which, by the way, is enormous, so I should be spilling out massive amounts of Grace on everyone!) And when I choose Grace in those moments they instantly turn into opportunities for growth, for teaching, for encouragement! It works. Every time. It just takes practice!
Choosing Calm. I have lots of reasons to worry. We all do. None of us are exempt from the harshness of life, the consequences of choices made, the challenges of relationships. But for so many years, I allowed these things to dictate my state of mind, my outlook, my choices, even my personality. I did not possess that calmness of Spirit, that Peace, that I saw in some women and longed to have. What a shame it took so long for me to realize that the way to Peace is easy. It is as simple as a whispered prayer. Praying is no longer something I try to remember to do each day. Somehow, it has become a natural flow of conversation in my days, not a scheduled obligation. I don't know exactly how that happened, but it is a lifeline for me in this mess of a life! And the funny thing is, it is so much easier than lugging that load of worry around. Why do we assign such value to worry? Like somehow it is a gauge of how much we love someone, or a measure of how important something is to us... Worry is NOT an indicator of anything except my own lack of trust. (Ok, stepping off the soapbox now.)
Embracing second chances. Often it seems that I get it wrong more than I get it right, but this is the great beauty of daily Grace. It is not about getting it right all the time. It is learning to see our failures as opportunities to try again, wiser than we were before, and with a new perspective. Again, this requires surrender! Saying, "Ok, I blew it, but I can start over. I can admit I was wrong, I can ask for help, and I can try again!" I am so thankful for all the second chances I've been given. They are gifts from a God of second chances! And with that perspective it is possible to be grateful even for the times I blow it.
Cultivating Thankfulness. When I take time to be aware of the countless gifts, big and small, that God lavishes on me every single day, I cannot help but feel loved and cherished and cared for. And being aware of all that Grace surrounding me, I can't help but share grace with others. Ann Voskamp's book, 1000 Gifts, truly changed my life in this area of gratitude. And since reading that book I have noticed how many times thanksgiving and thankfulness are mentioned in my Bible reading. Everything comes down to this. Recognizing who we are, Who God Is, and what He has done for us. Not just in saving us, but in loving us so well each and every day.
These are the things on my heart and mind today, as I prepare for a week of crazy schedules and busy days. Not things that I have mastered or can even claim to walk in consistently, just the things of this everyday faith that I want to remember and eventually grow into. Prayers for my sisters on this same journey, that we will recognize the choices we have every morning, and that we will choose Grace! And when we blow it at breakfast, we will choose to receive Grace and start again! And at 5 o'clock when the toddlers are crying and clinging and the supper isn't ready and the house that was just clean 2 hours ago is a wreck we will stop, take time to be thankful for all the mess and choose Grace again. And in the late hours when we lie in bed we will think not about our overwhelming schedule for tomorrow, but we will reflect on the Grace of today and say Thank You. That's what I'm praying. For me and for you.
Taking my thoughts captive. This is especially difficult for women, because our emotions are so very powerful, and tend to rule our thinking. I am learning to just STOP. When I begin to feel that heart-racing anxiety, or the heat of anger, or the rush of frustration, I (try to) make a conscious choice to reign all of that in, remind myself of Who is in control, and of my own responsibility to show Grace in the same measure that I have received it (which, by the way, is enormous, so I should be spilling out massive amounts of Grace on everyone!) And when I choose Grace in those moments they instantly turn into opportunities for growth, for teaching, for encouragement! It works. Every time. It just takes practice!
Choosing Calm. I have lots of reasons to worry. We all do. None of us are exempt from the harshness of life, the consequences of choices made, the challenges of relationships. But for so many years, I allowed these things to dictate my state of mind, my outlook, my choices, even my personality. I did not possess that calmness of Spirit, that Peace, that I saw in some women and longed to have. What a shame it took so long for me to realize that the way to Peace is easy. It is as simple as a whispered prayer. Praying is no longer something I try to remember to do each day. Somehow, it has become a natural flow of conversation in my days, not a scheduled obligation. I don't know exactly how that happened, but it is a lifeline for me in this mess of a life! And the funny thing is, it is so much easier than lugging that load of worry around. Why do we assign such value to worry? Like somehow it is a gauge of how much we love someone, or a measure of how important something is to us... Worry is NOT an indicator of anything except my own lack of trust. (Ok, stepping off the soapbox now.)
Embracing second chances. Often it seems that I get it wrong more than I get it right, but this is the great beauty of daily Grace. It is not about getting it right all the time. It is learning to see our failures as opportunities to try again, wiser than we were before, and with a new perspective. Again, this requires surrender! Saying, "Ok, I blew it, but I can start over. I can admit I was wrong, I can ask for help, and I can try again!" I am so thankful for all the second chances I've been given. They are gifts from a God of second chances! And with that perspective it is possible to be grateful even for the times I blow it.
Cultivating Thankfulness. When I take time to be aware of the countless gifts, big and small, that God lavishes on me every single day, I cannot help but feel loved and cherished and cared for. And being aware of all that Grace surrounding me, I can't help but share grace with others. Ann Voskamp's book, 1000 Gifts, truly changed my life in this area of gratitude. And since reading that book I have noticed how many times thanksgiving and thankfulness are mentioned in my Bible reading. Everything comes down to this. Recognizing who we are, Who God Is, and what He has done for us. Not just in saving us, but in loving us so well each and every day.
These are the things on my heart and mind today, as I prepare for a week of crazy schedules and busy days. Not things that I have mastered or can even claim to walk in consistently, just the things of this everyday faith that I want to remember and eventually grow into. Prayers for my sisters on this same journey, that we will recognize the choices we have every morning, and that we will choose Grace! And when we blow it at breakfast, we will choose to receive Grace and start again! And at 5 o'clock when the toddlers are crying and clinging and the supper isn't ready and the house that was just clean 2 hours ago is a wreck we will stop, take time to be thankful for all the mess and choose Grace again. And in the late hours when we lie in bed we will think not about our overwhelming schedule for tomorrow, but we will reflect on the Grace of today and say Thank You. That's what I'm praying. For me and for you.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
For Just Today
A million times a day, it seems, I get it wrong. My best intentions get trampled by my fickle feelings and I fail. I am the one sitting at the table with the sour expression on my face. I am the one snapping at a child for spilling milk. I am the one speaking harsh words to the precious man who works so hard to provide for us. I am the one who doesn't make the phone call or send the card because I am just too busy. I am the one complaining in my spirit about the endless chores and responsibilities of being mom and step-mom to seven. If I can't get it right at least some of the time, then how in the world am I supposed to create a loving, grace-filled, peaceful home? These are the daily battles I face, the struggles that I can't seem to overcome. I think I half-expected Jesus to show up with a magic wand and just zap my attitude into submission. He hasn't done that, but He continues to give me daily opportunities to practice. (I, for one, think the magic wand is a great idea, how about you?)
I am not the woman I want to be, for sure. But I am not the woman I once was, so I know that God is working and changing me, conforming me to His image a little at the time. So I am not without hope for the future, but sometimes finding hope for just today is hard. Truth is, most days I simply give up too soon. I grow weary of constantly having to begin again, having to ask forgiveness for countless lapses in the area of selfishness and pride. Always fighting the urge to throw in the towel. Because of the mommy-weariness, the wife-frustrations, the money-anxiousness, because of the sin-sickness of my heart that seems to drown out all the effort I put forth.
This is the scary part of faith. Choosing to put your whole self out there, body, mind, heart and soul, every day, and leave it out there to be challenged by the storms and trials, the hurts, the fears, the failures... Choosing not to build those walls of protection that keep your heart safe but leave it cold and alone, sacrificing your pride to show grace and love well. Surrender. In the little things, not just the big things. Surrendering my attitude and my tongue countless times a day, these two monsters that seem to ruin all my efforts to be the wife, mom, step-mom, and friend that I should be.
To whatever You have planned for my day, to whatever You bring my way, I surrender. I will trust You. I will rest in the fact that You love me, that you are Good. I will choose to believe that You alone have what I need for just today. Tomorrow will worry about itself. Today I will put myself out there, even if I am shaking in my shoes a little bit. I will trust You with my heart, and I will not build those walls. I will open my heart to You, so You can love others through me. And when I mess up, (which inevitably will happen) I will ask forgiveness and start over.
For just today, I am going to rely on Grace. And hopefully tomorrow I won't forget.
I am not the woman I want to be, for sure. But I am not the woman I once was, so I know that God is working and changing me, conforming me to His image a little at the time. So I am not without hope for the future, but sometimes finding hope for just today is hard. Truth is, most days I simply give up too soon. I grow weary of constantly having to begin again, having to ask forgiveness for countless lapses in the area of selfishness and pride. Always fighting the urge to throw in the towel. Because of the mommy-weariness, the wife-frustrations, the money-anxiousness, because of the sin-sickness of my heart that seems to drown out all the effort I put forth.
This is the scary part of faith. Choosing to put your whole self out there, body, mind, heart and soul, every day, and leave it out there to be challenged by the storms and trials, the hurts, the fears, the failures... Choosing not to build those walls of protection that keep your heart safe but leave it cold and alone, sacrificing your pride to show grace and love well. Surrender. In the little things, not just the big things. Surrendering my attitude and my tongue countless times a day, these two monsters that seem to ruin all my efforts to be the wife, mom, step-mom, and friend that I should be.
To whatever You have planned for my day, to whatever You bring my way, I surrender. I will trust You. I will rest in the fact that You love me, that you are Good. I will choose to believe that You alone have what I need for just today. Tomorrow will worry about itself. Today I will put myself out there, even if I am shaking in my shoes a little bit. I will trust You with my heart, and I will not build those walls. I will open my heart to You, so You can love others through me. And when I mess up, (which inevitably will happen) I will ask forgiveness and start over.
For just today, I am going to rely on Grace. And hopefully tomorrow I won't forget.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
What Now?
Sitting here this morning, drinking cold, fresh water, with an air purifier cleaning my air and a washing machine humming along, I cannot help but feel guilt mixed with relief that it isn't me out there staring at a pile of sticks that was once my home, sifting through debris for any salvageable part of a life that has been blown away. I am almost ashamed to be sitting here at all, with so many out there working to help others recover, but the little ones need their mommy here, and prayer is my work for the moment. I am busy making lists of things we can donate, wishing my bank account held enough to make a difference, but knowing God always takes the gift and makes it enough. All of us have felt, to some degree, the gravity of this disaster, and my heart swells to see the work being done and the sacrifices being made to help others rebuild and recoup.
I find myself asking, "What now? What is it that I should learn from this and how should this event change me, my perspective, my habits?" Because when life is interrupted, in any way at all, doesn't God shout to us in these times? Doesn't He say, "Wake up! Listen! Look around! See My hand at work, see My people moved to love and serve, see My provision when all is lost, see My Grace in the midst of the suffering!" And how foolish would we be to SEE and then go back to life as usual? Chalk it up to a temporary inconvenience and move on with our busy schedules and priorities... Isn't that what we tend to do? We don't like change. We like comfort. So we cling to Him in the middle of the crisis, and as soon as our comforts are restored, we forget. So what should we remember? A month from now? A year from now? I don't know about you, but I have a list (of course, always a list with me) of things I don't want to forget.
1. God is big. He is in control, and really, there is NOTHING that we control. Our very lives are in His hands at every moment, awake or asleep, and every provision comes from Him, whether we take the time to be grateful for it or not. So I want to be THANKFUL in all things. Hold my hands open to accept ALL that He gives. The things that I see as good, the things I don't understand, the things that hurt, ALL of it, with a grateful heart and a childlike trust.
2. God is good. Life is unfair and harsh, nature is relentless at times, unspeakable tragedy happens all around us, but He is GOOD and He loves us and is bringing ALL things together for His purposes and in the end, we will see with Heaven's perspective and understand, but for now we REST and know that He loves us.
3. God doesn't hurry or get stressed out, so if my life and purpose are in Him, neither should I. If I am following Him, there is no need to worry about what I might run into, right? If He is leading and He is good, then can't I trust that where my steps go He has gone ahead? Easier said than done, for sure, but it is truth and I want to believe it. Lord, help my unbelief!
4. The people in my life are more important than the stuff in my life. Of course we all know this. But look at how we spend our time... Are we living it? The last few days with no power, we have spent time visiting relatives, playing games with our kids, literally sitting on the front porch all afternoon blowing bubbles and lying on the couch late into the night with a single candle burning, just talking. And it felt right, and good, and soul-nourishing, and I wonder why we don't turn things off when we have the choice? I don't want to forget how full my heart has been as a result of slowing down and just being together.
5. To be like Jesus, I MUST HELP those in need. I must give what I have, sacrificially, and trust God to provide for me and my family. If we do not do this we can not call ourselves Christ-followers. I am so convicted about my selfish hoarding of resources to the point that I feel the urge to give everything away. I am praying about what God would have us give to help others in this crisis and in the future, because that is what we are called to do! We are not saved to sit comfortably and whine about electricity and hot water while our brothers and sisters go without food, clothing, and shelter. (I am preaching to myself, rest assured, I did my share of whining!)
6. I want to teach my kids to see outside the walls of their own home and their own comforts and be moved by the hurts and needs of others. They will be helping me this week gather items that can be donated to families with children who now have no toys or clothes to call their own. I don't want them to forget this event. I want it to change them, too. Parenting isn't always about sheltering your children from every unpleasant thing. It is about shaping hearts to care for others and teaching them to live like Jesus. If we don't, who will?
I know this post is a little "preachy" and I do not intend it to be, I just want to get these thoughts down in black and white before life gets back to its relentless pace and I get distracted and forget. I want to truly SEE God in this, and my selfish heart fights me all the way. I would love to know what things others are doing and changing as a result of this tragedy, because I think we can all inspire one another to do the good works that God has already laid out for us to do. I love seeing believers being "Jesus with some skin on"!
I find myself asking, "What now? What is it that I should learn from this and how should this event change me, my perspective, my habits?" Because when life is interrupted, in any way at all, doesn't God shout to us in these times? Doesn't He say, "Wake up! Listen! Look around! See My hand at work, see My people moved to love and serve, see My provision when all is lost, see My Grace in the midst of the suffering!" And how foolish would we be to SEE and then go back to life as usual? Chalk it up to a temporary inconvenience and move on with our busy schedules and priorities... Isn't that what we tend to do? We don't like change. We like comfort. So we cling to Him in the middle of the crisis, and as soon as our comforts are restored, we forget. So what should we remember? A month from now? A year from now? I don't know about you, but I have a list (of course, always a list with me) of things I don't want to forget.
1. God is big. He is in control, and really, there is NOTHING that we control. Our very lives are in His hands at every moment, awake or asleep, and every provision comes from Him, whether we take the time to be grateful for it or not. So I want to be THANKFUL in all things. Hold my hands open to accept ALL that He gives. The things that I see as good, the things I don't understand, the things that hurt, ALL of it, with a grateful heart and a childlike trust.
2. God is good. Life is unfair and harsh, nature is relentless at times, unspeakable tragedy happens all around us, but He is GOOD and He loves us and is bringing ALL things together for His purposes and in the end, we will see with Heaven's perspective and understand, but for now we REST and know that He loves us.
3. God doesn't hurry or get stressed out, so if my life and purpose are in Him, neither should I. If I am following Him, there is no need to worry about what I might run into, right? If He is leading and He is good, then can't I trust that where my steps go He has gone ahead? Easier said than done, for sure, but it is truth and I want to believe it. Lord, help my unbelief!
4. The people in my life are more important than the stuff in my life. Of course we all know this. But look at how we spend our time... Are we living it? The last few days with no power, we have spent time visiting relatives, playing games with our kids, literally sitting on the front porch all afternoon blowing bubbles and lying on the couch late into the night with a single candle burning, just talking. And it felt right, and good, and soul-nourishing, and I wonder why we don't turn things off when we have the choice? I don't want to forget how full my heart has been as a result of slowing down and just being together.
5. To be like Jesus, I MUST HELP those in need. I must give what I have, sacrificially, and trust God to provide for me and my family. If we do not do this we can not call ourselves Christ-followers. I am so convicted about my selfish hoarding of resources to the point that I feel the urge to give everything away. I am praying about what God would have us give to help others in this crisis and in the future, because that is what we are called to do! We are not saved to sit comfortably and whine about electricity and hot water while our brothers and sisters go without food, clothing, and shelter. (I am preaching to myself, rest assured, I did my share of whining!)
6. I want to teach my kids to see outside the walls of their own home and their own comforts and be moved by the hurts and needs of others. They will be helping me this week gather items that can be donated to families with children who now have no toys or clothes to call their own. I don't want them to forget this event. I want it to change them, too. Parenting isn't always about sheltering your children from every unpleasant thing. It is about shaping hearts to care for others and teaching them to live like Jesus. If we don't, who will?
I know this post is a little "preachy" and I do not intend it to be, I just want to get these thoughts down in black and white before life gets back to its relentless pace and I get distracted and forget. I want to truly SEE God in this, and my selfish heart fights me all the way. I would love to know what things others are doing and changing as a result of this tragedy, because I think we can all inspire one another to do the good works that God has already laid out for us to do. I love seeing believers being "Jesus with some skin on"!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Eggs in the Wrong Basket
Even the best laid plans go awry.... I like plans. And lists. And predictability. And I live in a house with people. Big people, little people, LOTS of people who rarely conform to my plans, lists, and expectations. For the last couple of weeks, I have planned Easter menus, Easter schedules, Easter baskets, Easter clothes, Easter shoes, even Easter hair. After all, this is the south, and we make a big fuss about these trivial things and we do it with big hair and big smiles ( Don't tell me you didn't paste on some beauty walk smiles for those cameras today. You know you did!) This is the story of my Easter plans gone awry.
I stayed up late to finish the Pineapple Lush Cake, iron the Easter clothes and play Easter Bunny. I fell into bed exhausted but excited because I had the morning all planned out. I was going to wake up early, before anyone else stirred, make a pot of coffee, get the Paula Deen Mac & Cheese going in the crock pot, set the baskets out to be found. Well... I did wake up early, with the sun, actually... BUT it was not to the sound of my alarm. My wake up call was a child standing beside the bed telling me that his brother needed us because he was sick. I enter his room and find him burning up with fever and complaining with his throat, head, and tummy. Not an uncommon occurence, but definitely a curve ball I had not expected on this Easter morning. Distracted but still calm, we tend to sick child, daddy goes back to bed and I go downstairs to conquer The List. As soon as I get the first saucepan out I hear a little one calling "Mommeeeee!" Gracie is up and wants to join me in the kitchen, where she finds her basket of goodies. Ok, to be perfectly honest, I had really been looking forward to cooking without toddlers underfoot, but she was up, excited, and no biggie, I can still get this thing done, right? A little more distracted, but still checking off my list.
Now at this point I realize I have somehow inadvertently entered a time warp and it is now 7:30, and I still have not showered. Don't panic, I'll just skip the hot rollers and shave really fast and the clothes are all ready so I'm still feeling ok. Then I remember that I haven't gotten anyone else up or dressed or ready. This is where things start to unravel. I start to sweat, literally, figuratively, profusely, you get the picture. And I'm all of a sudden ticked off. At everyone, myself included, but mostly everyone. I wake Daddy up and begin to bark orders and he doesn't comply (somehow I have not learned that he doesn't take orders barked in his sleeping ear very well) and I am shooing Gracie out of my bathroom because she is holding the Lysol and I'm thinking "Why isn't he up and helping?" And I'm hot, and the a/c isn't working and that makes me mad too. Because the oscillating fan makes my hair tangled and stick to my lipgloss.
The oldest child emerges from his bathroom fully dressed and ready to go (lucky for him). Daddy is starting to get ready but I forgot to iron his clothes last night, so I take a few minutes to do that. Sick child comes upstairs to inform me that the twins have made a big mess with their goodies (no surprise there) But I know that I only put a few M&M's or jelly beans in each of their eggs SO THAT they couldn't make much mess with them. (See, I planned so well!) Nothing could have prepared me for what I found downstairs. They obviously took great pleasure in the opening of the plastic eggs, for they had opened all of them. M&M's and jellybeans and plastic egg halves EVERYWHERE. I couldn't take a step without something crunching underneath. Keep in mind that I am already sort of simmering from all the rushing and distractions, and this mess is really turning the heat up. Not to mention the chocolate faces and hands and I don't have TIME to clean this mess up and them too. I'm yelling for Daddy, he's still not really hearing (amazing male ability to tune out anything that resembles drama) and both big boys have also disappeared. So it's just me. Gotta get it done, get them clean and in these clothes so carefully laid out the night before. I'm close to tears, but mad is easier...
I clean hands and faces, brush out tangles and get them looking like they didn't just emerge from a war zone. But the war is still raging. Everybody is tense (except maybe sick child, because he knows he will spend the day with his mom, not the crazy-step-monster) but we get in the van and head to church. I'm fighting tears, still, but don't really want to mess up the Easter make-up, so I choke them back. I realize how distracted I have been all morning and I feel bad, because all weekend I have truly tried to stay focused on Christ and what He did for me and what it means. And I KNOW that I have blown it this morning, but my pride is still telling me "If only he had gotten up early with me and helped I wouldn't feel this way." Or "If only anyone EVER said thank you or asked if they could help, I wouldn't feel this way." I just can't let those pride walls down long enough to see that I made a choice to rely on MY plans this morning. I got distracted, stayed distracted, didn't pray, didn't take time to remember what all my planning was for. To celebrate a Savior who gave His very life for me when I was still an ungrateful unrepentant sinner. I'm close to tears, but blame is easier...
At church, I do get a reprieve, thankfully. Little ones safe and happy in their classrooms, beautiful worship service (in which I do manage to stop thinking about me, remarkably) and a great Sunday School hour with friends and encouragement. Everybody else is smiling here, so it is easier to smile along and put aside the stress of the morning for a while. But then we go home. Back to the mess. And I still have to garnish the cake and gather clothes and baskets for the afternoon festivities, and I know once those 6 kids get out of the van what it will take to get them back in it and we only have a few minutes, and once again, no one seems to be in a hurry but me. It takes us an hour to leave and we really only had 30 minutes. In between trying to make the cake (which is now rather lopsided) look pretty, stir the macaroni, keep the children clean and load the van, I notice all those tears I had been choking back are beginning to leak out. Oh no. I do not cry pretty and we are on our way to my sister-in-law's family gathering, and they don't know I'm not (always) a basket case and I cannot pull myself together for 5 minutes. I cry all the way there, can't stop, and no sympathy from anyone in the van because I've been such a meanie all morning and I don't even blame them, but oh how nice it would be to receive some grace right now.
Here is Grace... We all had the most wonderful afternoon. The weather was perfect, I get some much needed sympathy from my mom and sis-in-law when they see tears (because they are moms and they KNOW) and I feel the stress start to fall away as I see the kids happy and playing and I realize that God loves me so much to give me this perfect afternoon on HIS day, when I least deserve it. And how if I had only asked for grace this morning before I started on The List, the morning would not have knocked me down so easily. All my hopes for a glorious Easter celebration had been pinned on The List. Not on Grace. How could I make such an arrogant mistake? I didn't mean too, really... I just got distracted and busy. Like Martha. She is a pretty relatable character, isn't she? I came home, started cleaning up a little, and saw this little card stuck with a push pin above my kitchen sink. It reads "Prayer first: Prayer before anything else or there isn't anything else." I had placed it there only days before and probably read it hundreds of times already. But it isn't in the reading, though that is important... It is in the DOING. So tonight, with a humble heart (for now, anyway) I pray, asking for forgiveness for countless sins of pride with hope that maybe this is a lesson learned well for tomorrow. We'll soon enough find out! Tomorrow isn't Easter, and I can't get today back, and that makes me sad. But I can start my day with prayer and celebrate a risen Savior and ask for Grace and Help and Love to splash on to others.
My precious family is really probably wondering if I have developed a personality disorder, with all the highs and lows and starts and stops on my faith journey. But the truest truth about me is that I am a work in constant progress, and will be until I die. I wish I believed it would one day be easy. I do believe it will one day be worth it.
I stayed up late to finish the Pineapple Lush Cake, iron the Easter clothes and play Easter Bunny. I fell into bed exhausted but excited because I had the morning all planned out. I was going to wake up early, before anyone else stirred, make a pot of coffee, get the Paula Deen Mac & Cheese going in the crock pot, set the baskets out to be found. Well... I did wake up early, with the sun, actually... BUT it was not to the sound of my alarm. My wake up call was a child standing beside the bed telling me that his brother needed us because he was sick. I enter his room and find him burning up with fever and complaining with his throat, head, and tummy. Not an uncommon occurence, but definitely a curve ball I had not expected on this Easter morning. Distracted but still calm, we tend to sick child, daddy goes back to bed and I go downstairs to conquer The List. As soon as I get the first saucepan out I hear a little one calling "Mommeeeee!" Gracie is up and wants to join me in the kitchen, where she finds her basket of goodies. Ok, to be perfectly honest, I had really been looking forward to cooking without toddlers underfoot, but she was up, excited, and no biggie, I can still get this thing done, right? A little more distracted, but still checking off my list.
Now at this point I realize I have somehow inadvertently entered a time warp and it is now 7:30, and I still have not showered. Don't panic, I'll just skip the hot rollers and shave really fast and the clothes are all ready so I'm still feeling ok. Then I remember that I haven't gotten anyone else up or dressed or ready. This is where things start to unravel. I start to sweat, literally, figuratively, profusely, you get the picture. And I'm all of a sudden ticked off. At everyone, myself included, but mostly everyone. I wake Daddy up and begin to bark orders and he doesn't comply (somehow I have not learned that he doesn't take orders barked in his sleeping ear very well) and I am shooing Gracie out of my bathroom because she is holding the Lysol and I'm thinking "Why isn't he up and helping?" And I'm hot, and the a/c isn't working and that makes me mad too. Because the oscillating fan makes my hair tangled and stick to my lipgloss.
The oldest child emerges from his bathroom fully dressed and ready to go (lucky for him). Daddy is starting to get ready but I forgot to iron his clothes last night, so I take a few minutes to do that. Sick child comes upstairs to inform me that the twins have made a big mess with their goodies (no surprise there) But I know that I only put a few M&M's or jelly beans in each of their eggs SO THAT they couldn't make much mess with them. (See, I planned so well!) Nothing could have prepared me for what I found downstairs. They obviously took great pleasure in the opening of the plastic eggs, for they had opened all of them. M&M's and jellybeans and plastic egg halves EVERYWHERE. I couldn't take a step without something crunching underneath. Keep in mind that I am already sort of simmering from all the rushing and distractions, and this mess is really turning the heat up. Not to mention the chocolate faces and hands and I don't have TIME to clean this mess up and them too. I'm yelling for Daddy, he's still not really hearing (amazing male ability to tune out anything that resembles drama) and both big boys have also disappeared. So it's just me. Gotta get it done, get them clean and in these clothes so carefully laid out the night before. I'm close to tears, but mad is easier...
I clean hands and faces, brush out tangles and get them looking like they didn't just emerge from a war zone. But the war is still raging. Everybody is tense (except maybe sick child, because he knows he will spend the day with his mom, not the crazy-step-monster) but we get in the van and head to church. I'm fighting tears, still, but don't really want to mess up the Easter make-up, so I choke them back. I realize how distracted I have been all morning and I feel bad, because all weekend I have truly tried to stay focused on Christ and what He did for me and what it means. And I KNOW that I have blown it this morning, but my pride is still telling me "If only he had gotten up early with me and helped I wouldn't feel this way." Or "If only anyone EVER said thank you or asked if they could help, I wouldn't feel this way." I just can't let those pride walls down long enough to see that I made a choice to rely on MY plans this morning. I got distracted, stayed distracted, didn't pray, didn't take time to remember what all my planning was for. To celebrate a Savior who gave His very life for me when I was still an ungrateful unrepentant sinner. I'm close to tears, but blame is easier...
At church, I do get a reprieve, thankfully. Little ones safe and happy in their classrooms, beautiful worship service (in which I do manage to stop thinking about me, remarkably) and a great Sunday School hour with friends and encouragement. Everybody else is smiling here, so it is easier to smile along and put aside the stress of the morning for a while. But then we go home. Back to the mess. And I still have to garnish the cake and gather clothes and baskets for the afternoon festivities, and I know once those 6 kids get out of the van what it will take to get them back in it and we only have a few minutes, and once again, no one seems to be in a hurry but me. It takes us an hour to leave and we really only had 30 minutes. In between trying to make the cake (which is now rather lopsided) look pretty, stir the macaroni, keep the children clean and load the van, I notice all those tears I had been choking back are beginning to leak out. Oh no. I do not cry pretty and we are on our way to my sister-in-law's family gathering, and they don't know I'm not (always) a basket case and I cannot pull myself together for 5 minutes. I cry all the way there, can't stop, and no sympathy from anyone in the van because I've been such a meanie all morning and I don't even blame them, but oh how nice it would be to receive some grace right now.
Here is Grace... We all had the most wonderful afternoon. The weather was perfect, I get some much needed sympathy from my mom and sis-in-law when they see tears (because they are moms and they KNOW) and I feel the stress start to fall away as I see the kids happy and playing and I realize that God loves me so much to give me this perfect afternoon on HIS day, when I least deserve it. And how if I had only asked for grace this morning before I started on The List, the morning would not have knocked me down so easily. All my hopes for a glorious Easter celebration had been pinned on The List. Not on Grace. How could I make such an arrogant mistake? I didn't mean too, really... I just got distracted and busy. Like Martha. She is a pretty relatable character, isn't she? I came home, started cleaning up a little, and saw this little card stuck with a push pin above my kitchen sink. It reads "Prayer first: Prayer before anything else or there isn't anything else." I had placed it there only days before and probably read it hundreds of times already. But it isn't in the reading, though that is important... It is in the DOING. So tonight, with a humble heart (for now, anyway) I pray, asking for forgiveness for countless sins of pride with hope that maybe this is a lesson learned well for tomorrow. We'll soon enough find out! Tomorrow isn't Easter, and I can't get today back, and that makes me sad. But I can start my day with prayer and celebrate a risen Savior and ask for Grace and Help and Love to splash on to others.
My precious family is really probably wondering if I have developed a personality disorder, with all the highs and lows and starts and stops on my faith journey. But the truest truth about me is that I am a work in constant progress, and will be until I die. I wish I believed it would one day be easy. I do believe it will one day be worth it.
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