Moms are women. (Usually, anyway... but that's a topic for another day.) And as women, we are prone to moments that lack logic when it comes to our kids, right? I had a moment like that today. It started this morning when my 15 year old son hopped out of bed bright and early at 8:30am on a Saturday and informed me we needed to go shopping. But not for just anything... for a tie he could wear to the homecoming dance that would match his date's dress. And I felt my heart skip a beat. We had discussed all this earlier in the week, of course, but this morning it became reality! And no, this wasn't his first dance, or even his first homecoming, but when you have a kid in high school, suddenly every occasion seems momentous... I started thinking, "Wow, this is the last year he will need me to 'take' him anywhere, next year he will be driving himself to buy ties, and the next year he will have his very last homecoming at Grissom High School, and then he will be gone forever and I'll have to beg him to come visit me, and who could blame him for staying away so much when life in this family is such a crazy mess!" See, this is where the "lack of logic" comes into play. And he is a son, a boy, a male, a man, and therefore not entirely comfortable with these moments of mommy panic. The moments when all I can see in his face is that intense and serious little boy he once was, and how he's come out of his shell so much and how much I love who he is and at the same time miss that little boy soooo very much... How proud I am that he is so independent and how much I miss being needed. (You should know that I type these words with tears flowing... Is there any other way to watch a child grow up? Joy and sorrow all mixed in together.. Are there even words to describe this?)
So I panic, but not because I fear for him. This young man is smart, capable, independent and competent. He will excel. But my mommy heart selfishly breaks a little each time I watch him take another step toward his future, because I fear it will take him far from me. I know, I know... that is the way life is. But gosh, no one told me it would happen so soon. Or maybe they did, and I was too wrapped up in the little years to be able to wrap my head and heart around that as well. And I want to tell him so many things, but at 15 he really has it all figured out, you know. I wonder sometimes if he remembers... Sharing blueberry "beagles" for breakfast in the recliner while we watched Sesame Street, making costumes out of underwear, football helmets and legos, playing the "panio" with mommy, reading 10 stories at bedtime, playing games on the carpet, teaching his baby brother to hit a baseball off a tee... A million memories I have of this child and now he is out making his own... And I am proud. And sad. And happy. Crazy? Probably.
I know he isn't really going to leave me forever... I know to some degree he will always need his mom. And I know that God will direct his paths and watch over him when I can't. I just look at the time I have left with him still "in my nest" and I think it isn't enough! 2 1/2 years just isn't enough.... But the days fly by, turning into weeks and months and I am left with this panic in my heart that it really is going too fast... And after him all the others will follow, one (or two) at a time. And I just want to make the most of it, these fleeting moments that we have to love and live and laugh together. So that they remember.
I know I will.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Impossibly Simple
I love to read about marriage. Blog posts, books, articles... After all, with one failed marriage already in my history, I could use the help, right? I am currently reading Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas, along with his Devotions for a Sacred Marriage. I also just started reading The Love Dare, and the 3 of those together make for some pretty revolutionizing reading. I also read some blogs by godly women about being a wife and a mom, and I have come to agree with Gary Thomas' theory that God did not intend for marriage to make us happy. He intended for marriage to make us holy... To drive us to Himself when all of our efforts to be the perfect wife, the perfect mom, are seemingly in vain, and even that worthy pursuit leaves us empty and longing.
We women devote an enormous amount of time and energy in the pursuit of a happy family life, and of course we should! But I wonder if we are making it harder than it has to be? This question has been turning over in my mind... What if we devoted ourselves to one purpose and one alone, and that one purpose being to conform to Christ, wouldn't the rest just fall into place? Because who can resist Him? If we become like Him, then who could resist us? I've always wanted to be irresistable... but there are some qualities I possess that are unattractive indeed. Like the need to be right. All the time. I mean, really, I have such a hard time admitting when I'm wrong. And since I am wrong quite often, this causes some stress. And the need to "feel appreciated". I tell you, this might be the worst, because it exposes the selfishness behind even the so-called selfless things I do!
I think what God is showing me in all of this reading I'm doing lately is that I do a lot of the right things. but with the wrong motives. I am busy trying to win everyone's approval, busy trying to be the perfect wife (yeah, right! I can hear my husband laughing at this one) and busy trying to be Super-Duper-Mom/Stepmom and you know what? No one ever (well, rarely ever) says thank you. And nobody really even notices half the stuff I do. So what happens? I start feeling resentful, and at times even angry that I am not getting the approval I so desperately want. Life for a recovering approval-addict just gets this way from time to time. We know better. But it is such a familiar way of perceiving things that when life gets busy it can become the default mode if we aren't careful. So last week, when I was just really down in the dumps, God reminded me through all this reading, "Hey Kari, you really only need to be concerned with the approval of One... Follow me, do what I do. Love like I love, and forgive the way I forgive you." Impossibly simple. Impossible because I can't do those things. Simple because He can.
Maybe this isn't revolutionary for you? Maybe you have figured it all out already. If so, please send me the link to your blog so that I can "follow" you! For me, it is always this winding path that keeps coming around to the same old issues and wearing the ruts deep. It takes a few trips around the bend for me to really "get it". This is just a short list of some things I am learning lately... Things that make my world look a little different than before.
1. He understands. No one was more misjudged, misunderstood, or mistreated than Jesus. So He knows how it feels. His motives were questioned, His credibility doubted, and even when He took the time to heal lepers He was left without even a simple "thank you" from all but one. Very few believed the truth about Him, choosing to hold to their preconceived notions about this guy from Nazareth.
2. He loved them anyway. He responded to their doubt, their lies, their abuse, their slander, their insults, with love. With a heart of forgiveness and mercy and tenderness. He didn't retaliate or defend Himself. He knew who He was. Their unbelief did not change a thing about who He was.
3. This was to be an example to me. On a much smaller scale, for sure. But who among us hasn't felt the sting of rejection? The pain of being cast aside? The heartache of being misunderstood? The frustration of being unappreciated... He showed us what to do. Love them anyway.
Three simple truths. A perfect model to pattern my life after... Impossible to live out in my own strength. But as I am learning more and more with each day, what seems impossible to me is just an invitation for God to work and move in my life.
We women devote an enormous amount of time and energy in the pursuit of a happy family life, and of course we should! But I wonder if we are making it harder than it has to be? This question has been turning over in my mind... What if we devoted ourselves to one purpose and one alone, and that one purpose being to conform to Christ, wouldn't the rest just fall into place? Because who can resist Him? If we become like Him, then who could resist us? I've always wanted to be irresistable... but there are some qualities I possess that are unattractive indeed. Like the need to be right. All the time. I mean, really, I have such a hard time admitting when I'm wrong. And since I am wrong quite often, this causes some stress. And the need to "feel appreciated". I tell you, this might be the worst, because it exposes the selfishness behind even the so-called selfless things I do!
I think what God is showing me in all of this reading I'm doing lately is that I do a lot of the right things. but with the wrong motives. I am busy trying to win everyone's approval, busy trying to be the perfect wife (yeah, right! I can hear my husband laughing at this one) and busy trying to be Super-Duper-Mom/Stepmom and you know what? No one ever (well, rarely ever) says thank you. And nobody really even notices half the stuff I do. So what happens? I start feeling resentful, and at times even angry that I am not getting the approval I so desperately want. Life for a recovering approval-addict just gets this way from time to time. We know better. But it is such a familiar way of perceiving things that when life gets busy it can become the default mode if we aren't careful. So last week, when I was just really down in the dumps, God reminded me through all this reading, "Hey Kari, you really only need to be concerned with the approval of One... Follow me, do what I do. Love like I love, and forgive the way I forgive you." Impossibly simple. Impossible because I can't do those things. Simple because He can.
Maybe this isn't revolutionary for you? Maybe you have figured it all out already. If so, please send me the link to your blog so that I can "follow" you! For me, it is always this winding path that keeps coming around to the same old issues and wearing the ruts deep. It takes a few trips around the bend for me to really "get it". This is just a short list of some things I am learning lately... Things that make my world look a little different than before.
1. He understands. No one was more misjudged, misunderstood, or mistreated than Jesus. So He knows how it feels. His motives were questioned, His credibility doubted, and even when He took the time to heal lepers He was left without even a simple "thank you" from all but one. Very few believed the truth about Him, choosing to hold to their preconceived notions about this guy from Nazareth.
2. He loved them anyway. He responded to their doubt, their lies, their abuse, their slander, their insults, with love. With a heart of forgiveness and mercy and tenderness. He didn't retaliate or defend Himself. He knew who He was. Their unbelief did not change a thing about who He was.
3. This was to be an example to me. On a much smaller scale, for sure. But who among us hasn't felt the sting of rejection? The pain of being cast aside? The heartache of being misunderstood? The frustration of being unappreciated... He showed us what to do. Love them anyway.
Three simple truths. A perfect model to pattern my life after... Impossible to live out in my own strength. But as I am learning more and more with each day, what seems impossible to me is just an invitation for God to work and move in my life.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
E is for Exhausted
I am not even sure how to start this post, except to say Thank You God that this week is over and tomorrow is Sunday. I could write a whole book just on the events of this week, but I don't have that kind of time tonight. So let me just say that it has been HARD. On every level, from every side, just plain hard. And for once, I can't blame it on hormones. Now, I do not want to say that there have not been any good moments, because that isn't true, but they have definitely been eclipsed by the difficult ones this week. And no, there is nothing "big" going on. Just the sinking feeling that I have spread myself entirely too thin, and its too late to turn back. And every mom knows the result of being spread too thin. Exhaustion. I am forcing myself to be more transparent here than I am really comfortable with, but truly I have just shut down. My body, my mind, my emotions, they have just come to a grinding halt leaving me numb. I don't want to parent, I don't want to see friends, I don't want to talk (mainly because I start crying every time) and I don't even really know why... I just feel so overwhelmed.
A sweet friend checked on me yesterday and reminded me that I have an Enemy who is seeking to steal my joy.... And I looked back over the countless, non-stop messes of this week and it was undeniably the work of someone who had calculated and planned each disaster to pierce me at my weakest, most vulnerable spots. An Enemy who knows me well. But I should be ready for this, right? God's word tells us to put on our armor... That there is one seeking to steal, kill and destroy... And maybe my guard is just down? Maybe I forgot that I have a Defender, one who fights for me... At any rate, I felt defenseless. Attacked. Not ready.
Another dear lady reminded me of the fact that I'm not supposed to "do-it-all-myself", that in seeking to be super-woman I cheat myself of the blessing of being helped by those who love me and are willing. And at the root of it all might be that seed of pride that I struggle with. And ouch, that hurt, but yes, it resonates as Truth in my spirit.
My husband, who doesn't say a whole lot, (especially not when I am having this kind of week) has listened as I have literally poured out all of the conflicting, contradicting, at times CRAZY things in my head, and has not really offered much advice (for which I am so thankful) until today. But what he said today really cut straight to the heart... He gently reminded me of all the times I have encouraged him to choose the right even when it isn't easy, to be generous when being selfish would feel better, to turn the other cheek, to let the little things go and to give grace... Again, OUCH. But I knew he was right. I had switched back into that old familiar self-protective mode. Walls up, mind closed, heart locked up tight. It is amazing to me how easy it is to fall back into this when I know better.
I have another friend who has told me many times to "lead with my heart", because she knows my tendency to feign confidence when I am really steeped in self-doubt. It's almost as if, the harder and more impossible things get, the more I try to prove I can do it all myself. Why do I do this? What do I have to prove? And to whom?
Is there a point to this post? I don't even know. It is just the honest rambling of a really tired mama who has lost her way this week. But tomorrow is a new day, a new week, another chance to start over. I can at least leave you with some verses (compliments of Lauren Ford's study notes from bible study on Thursday) that I have been clinging to this weekend. Maybe it is just what you need too?
Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
Ephesians 4:32 "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Luke 6:32-35 "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because He is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked."
Lamentations 3:22-23 "Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness."
Isaiah 40:31 "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Luke 18:27 "Jesus replied, 'What is impossible with man is possible with God.'"
A sweet friend checked on me yesterday and reminded me that I have an Enemy who is seeking to steal my joy.... And I looked back over the countless, non-stop messes of this week and it was undeniably the work of someone who had calculated and planned each disaster to pierce me at my weakest, most vulnerable spots. An Enemy who knows me well. But I should be ready for this, right? God's word tells us to put on our armor... That there is one seeking to steal, kill and destroy... And maybe my guard is just down? Maybe I forgot that I have a Defender, one who fights for me... At any rate, I felt defenseless. Attacked. Not ready.
Another dear lady reminded me of the fact that I'm not supposed to "do-it-all-myself", that in seeking to be super-woman I cheat myself of the blessing of being helped by those who love me and are willing. And at the root of it all might be that seed of pride that I struggle with. And ouch, that hurt, but yes, it resonates as Truth in my spirit.
My husband, who doesn't say a whole lot, (especially not when I am having this kind of week) has listened as I have literally poured out all of the conflicting, contradicting, at times CRAZY things in my head, and has not really offered much advice (for which I am so thankful) until today. But what he said today really cut straight to the heart... He gently reminded me of all the times I have encouraged him to choose the right even when it isn't easy, to be generous when being selfish would feel better, to turn the other cheek, to let the little things go and to give grace... Again, OUCH. But I knew he was right. I had switched back into that old familiar self-protective mode. Walls up, mind closed, heart locked up tight. It is amazing to me how easy it is to fall back into this when I know better.
I have another friend who has told me many times to "lead with my heart", because she knows my tendency to feign confidence when I am really steeped in self-doubt. It's almost as if, the harder and more impossible things get, the more I try to prove I can do it all myself. Why do I do this? What do I have to prove? And to whom?
Is there a point to this post? I don't even know. It is just the honest rambling of a really tired mama who has lost her way this week. But tomorrow is a new day, a new week, another chance to start over. I can at least leave you with some verses (compliments of Lauren Ford's study notes from bible study on Thursday) that I have been clinging to this weekend. Maybe it is just what you need too?
Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
Ephesians 4:32 "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Luke 6:32-35 "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because He is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked."
Lamentations 3:22-23 "Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness."
Isaiah 40:31 "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Luke 18:27 "Jesus replied, 'What is impossible with man is possible with God.'"
Sunday, September 25, 2011
A Deep Breath
Sunday evening always sneaks up on me... The weekend lures me into a state of calm, which is GOOD, but every week, on Sunday night it comes to an abrupt end! Because, this is truly when the week begins, at least for moms. Here is the scene at my house on Sunday night: I open the fridge and see that it is nearly empty (of anything other than the 2 week old leftovers growing fuzz) so I scribble out a grocery list and head to Kroger, where I bump into other moms I know with loaded buggies and we joke about how this whole cart full of food, that is supposed to last for a week, will be gone in 3 days. And then I rush home, unload and put away the week's provision and take a deep breath. That's when it hits me. I haven't done a single load of laundry since (gasp) THURSDAY. Which means most of my husband's work clothes are in the hamper, along with the twins' play clothes. Oh yeah, and all the towels. So, I sort the clothes and cram as many as I can into the washer and press start. Another deep breath. I glance at the calendar and realize this is the last week in September, which means October lesson plans should be turned in this week, so I head to the computer to work on that.
Things are moving right along, until the twins notice I am sitting down, and that will never do, so they do their very best to distract, (and they are really quite good at this, I tell ya) and I give up on that endeavor for the moment to make some mac and cheese. That's when dear husband asks the dreaded, "What are you and I going to eat?" and I'm thinking to myself, "WE ate lunch at the Mexican buffet, and I am still full, so you should be too..." But realizing that men do not operate that way, I give my best cute-apologetic-smile and he makes himself a sandwich without complaint. Another deep breath and a BIG sigh of relief. Love a man that doesn't mind making his own sandwich. That is just a gift from God.
Next on the agenda is bedtime for little ones (after I clean the mac and cheese out of Gracie's hair), but they are not cooperating and this takes the better part of an hour to accomplish. Deep breaths, counting to ten... Love is patient, love is patient, love is patient... Now back to the lesson plans. Which leads me back to the computer, which is where I sit at present, typing this blog post. I ask myself, "Why do I do this?" You know, put off the things that are required in favor of the not-so-necessary... And I don't know the answer. But it helps to laugh at myself a little, and I am a little less tense than when I sat down. So maybe it is still productive? It is a deep breath of sorts, collecting my thoughts like this.
Ready now for the rest of the "have-to-do's", I am heading to the kitchen to clean up a little, then to transfer wet clothes to the dryer, and then straight up to bed. I am usually singing something in my head, and no, it isn't always inspirational. Tonight's soundtrack is Bryan Adams... "Ain't no use in complaining, when you got a job to do...." (I don't know where this stuff comes from.) Am I the only one who thinks that Monday really starts on Sunday evening? I think there should be a calendar that reflects this phenomenon. So that I am not surprised and blind-sided by it every single week. So with one more deep breath, it is back to work for me. Praying we all have a blessed and joy-filled Monday. Starting now!
Things are moving right along, until the twins notice I am sitting down, and that will never do, so they do their very best to distract, (and they are really quite good at this, I tell ya) and I give up on that endeavor for the moment to make some mac and cheese. That's when dear husband asks the dreaded, "What are you and I going to eat?" and I'm thinking to myself, "WE ate lunch at the Mexican buffet, and I am still full, so you should be too..." But realizing that men do not operate that way, I give my best cute-apologetic-smile and he makes himself a sandwich without complaint. Another deep breath and a BIG sigh of relief. Love a man that doesn't mind making his own sandwich. That is just a gift from God.
Next on the agenda is bedtime for little ones (after I clean the mac and cheese out of Gracie's hair), but they are not cooperating and this takes the better part of an hour to accomplish. Deep breaths, counting to ten... Love is patient, love is patient, love is patient... Now back to the lesson plans. Which leads me back to the computer, which is where I sit at present, typing this blog post. I ask myself, "Why do I do this?" You know, put off the things that are required in favor of the not-so-necessary... And I don't know the answer. But it helps to laugh at myself a little, and I am a little less tense than when I sat down. So maybe it is still productive? It is a deep breath of sorts, collecting my thoughts like this.
Ready now for the rest of the "have-to-do's", I am heading to the kitchen to clean up a little, then to transfer wet clothes to the dryer, and then straight up to bed. I am usually singing something in my head, and no, it isn't always inspirational. Tonight's soundtrack is Bryan Adams... "Ain't no use in complaining, when you got a job to do...." (I don't know where this stuff comes from.) Am I the only one who thinks that Monday really starts on Sunday evening? I think there should be a calendar that reflects this phenomenon. So that I am not surprised and blind-sided by it every single week. So with one more deep breath, it is back to work for me. Praying we all have a blessed and joy-filled Monday. Starting now!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Good in the Mess
I write when I have something to write, which is usually in response to something I have read. With almost no time to read at all, I have had a "writer's block" of sorts, and since anything I come up with on my own is bound to be utter nonsense, I have not really attempted a blog post in a while. At least none that I am willing to share! So tonight, I am soaking up some verses on doing good, because as I wash the dishes and fold more laundry and wipe some unknown stickiness off of bathroom walls the words pounding in my head are these: "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Galatians 6:9) And it isn't the dishes, or the dirty clothes or the sticky messes that make me weary, but the messes that I can't clean... The messes running through my mind that soapy water won't wash away. The ones I want to fix but have no control over. You know. "Those" messes.
So I close my eyes and silently ask, "What is the good? What am I not supposed to grow weary of? What am I supposed to do when my hands are tied and I feel helpless?" And the answer falls gently and swiftly on my heart, "He has shown you, oh mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." So simple. And so hard. It is an answer, the answer, but I go to bed still feeling undone about it all. I pull a book off the shelf and read just a little to help me fall asleep, and am startled when I read these words:
"If I am to rid myself of anything that may contaminate body or spirit, then I can give no place in my life to jealousy, bitterness, resentment, or selfishness. I am always called to practice gentleness, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control. Someone else's sin never gives me the license to respond with sin... Every decision I make, every word I utter, every thought I think, every movement I perform, is to flow out of one holy motivation: reverence for God." (Gary Thomas, Devotions for a Sacred Marriage)
I suppose God in His infinite mercy knew I needed a little clarification.... A little further explanation of the "too simple" answer He whispered at first. Act justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly. No jealousy, bitterness, resentment, selfishness... Always kind, good, faithful, self-controlled. This is the filter through which to view my own thoughts, words, and actions. Are they contaminating and polluting the relationships in my life? Or are they a reflection of His goodness? It is HIS goodness. That is what I am not to grow weary of... Reflecting HIS goodness. Not trying to manufacture some of my own. Wouldn't that really be just a pile of dirty rags in comparison, anyway? And I feel the pressure lift... because I know this Goodness firsthand. How it weaves its way through the mess and brings dark to light and dead to life. And I can rest in this: it isn't up to me. I need only be a willing and broken vessel for it to shine through.
"Whoever wants to embrace life
and see the day fill up with good,
Here's what you do:
Say nothing evil or hurtful;
Snub evil and cultivate good;
run after peace for all you're worth.
God looks on all this with approval,
listening and responding well to what he's asked;
But he turns his back
on those who do evil things."
~1Peter 3:10-12
So I close my eyes and silently ask, "What is the good? What am I not supposed to grow weary of? What am I supposed to do when my hands are tied and I feel helpless?" And the answer falls gently and swiftly on my heart, "He has shown you, oh mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." So simple. And so hard. It is an answer, the answer, but I go to bed still feeling undone about it all. I pull a book off the shelf and read just a little to help me fall asleep, and am startled when I read these words:
"If I am to rid myself of anything that may contaminate body or spirit, then I can give no place in my life to jealousy, bitterness, resentment, or selfishness. I am always called to practice gentleness, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control. Someone else's sin never gives me the license to respond with sin... Every decision I make, every word I utter, every thought I think, every movement I perform, is to flow out of one holy motivation: reverence for God." (Gary Thomas, Devotions for a Sacred Marriage)
I suppose God in His infinite mercy knew I needed a little clarification.... A little further explanation of the "too simple" answer He whispered at first. Act justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly. No jealousy, bitterness, resentment, selfishness... Always kind, good, faithful, self-controlled. This is the filter through which to view my own thoughts, words, and actions. Are they contaminating and polluting the relationships in my life? Or are they a reflection of His goodness? It is HIS goodness. That is what I am not to grow weary of... Reflecting HIS goodness. Not trying to manufacture some of my own. Wouldn't that really be just a pile of dirty rags in comparison, anyway? And I feel the pressure lift... because I know this Goodness firsthand. How it weaves its way through the mess and brings dark to light and dead to life. And I can rest in this: it isn't up to me. I need only be a willing and broken vessel for it to shine through.
"Whoever wants to embrace life
and see the day fill up with good,
Here's what you do:
Say nothing evil or hurtful;
Snub evil and cultivate good;
run after peace for all you're worth.
God looks on all this with approval,
listening and responding well to what he's asked;
But he turns his back
on those who do evil things."
~1Peter 3:10-12
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
What Really Matters
Having trouble sleeping tonight… Thinking about yesterday, tomorrow, and Friday, and the effect these days have had and will have on my ever-changing life, and the lives of those I love most. Perspective shifting sharply into focus as it tends to do when we face the loss of one we love, making me painfully aware of how casually I get up each day and assume all will be well and life will not be interrupted by death. I was lying in bed, praying for my Aunt Pat, my mom and her remaining brother and sisters, and hurting for the sadness they all are feeling tonight. I listened to my husband's even breathing, laid my hand on his chest to feel it rise and fall, and thought to myself that it all seems so unfair, that there is a wife wondering how on earth she will ever learn to sleep alone, live alone, eat alone… It is too much to ask, isn't it? That we be willing to give back to God the one He put beside us? That imperfect, flawed and fallen man that we came to see as the perfect person to fight with, to sleep next to, to lean on and to hold up sometimes…I just can't really wrap my mind around it tonight. What it must feel like to be not asked, but forced to let go of that hand…
One of my aunts said yesterday that thing we all think when faced with our mortality, "Live each day like it is your last." And I've heard it said, sung, preached, and taught many times before, but this time I really pondered that statement. For me, what would that look like? How would I want to spend my very last day? I feel certain it would not include sky-diving or any other extreme sport. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think I would just want to spend it with the people I love. I would want to mend some bridges I've burned, I would want to hug some necks I haven't hugged in a while, and I would want to make sure and kiss all my babies a whole lot, and hold my husband's hand. I think I would want to say a lot, because I always have a lot to say… But I would be more careful and intentional about the words I speak. No time for subtlety or sugar-coating. Just the truth, in love, with boldness. (I have a friend that can do this. She can cut to the chase, be as blunt and efficient as can be, and still manage to make me feel loved. This is a rare gift, indeed. But, I digress…)
All of that, I guess, is just a way of being ready to say goodbye, right? To make sure those you love KNOW they are loved, to forgive, to ask forgiveness… To give real hugs (I am not good at this) and to kiss more cheeks. I think what I'm saying is I realize maybe I have been too reserved? Held back a little too much? Waited to see if I perceived love and acceptance before extending it? I'm always so afraid of coming on too strong that I stand back and don't give myself fully to those I love. I give them a small part of me, the part I think they will approve of, instead of saying ”To heck with that, I love you, and like it or not I'm gonna act like it!" I have regretted many words that have come out of my mouth (or fingertips) in my lifetime, but I don't want to come to the end of it and regret NOT having said words that heal hearts and mend bridges because I was afraid of rejection.
Life is relationships. And relationships are hard. And giving ourselves fully to flawed and imperfect people is scary, indeed. But what good is self-protection in the end? Sure, it might protect us from the pain of disappointment and rejection, but it will inevitably bring the heartache of loneliness. And choosing not to love might protect us from the pain of loss, but will rob us of the true joy in living. And choosing not to forgive might momentarily soothe our pride, but in the end, isn't our own pride always the most vicious enemy of our soul?
I read this tonight and it brought fresh tears, "The good news: not that the good are rescued, (because what news would that be?), but the bad, the very bad, are loved, bought, redeemed. This is the thing: The only thing that fixes what’s broken is forgiveness." (Ann Voskamp, www.aholyexperience.com) And I wonder if my uncle had time? Time enough to mend the bridges and extend forgiveness, to say all the words he wanted to say? And I know he loved well, he was one of the warmest people in my life, but don't we all run out of time eventually? We know Christ forgives…. And we are rescued… Can we also rescue each other by forgiving? I want to live my life with this kind of mind, this kind of heart… That sees only the beauty of the cross in those difficult relationships, the opportunity to give and to receive Grace. And then I read "Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." (Luke 7:47) Oh how I want to love BIG. And I have truly been forgiven MUCH. So it is this I want to nail down tonight…. That I will forgive and love in the same measure I have been forgiven and loved, or as close to it as possible for my poor mess of a human heart.
These late night ramblings often make me wake up in a panic over being a little too vulnerable, a little too real… I'm sure I'll feel that way tomorrow too. But maybe now I can go to sleep with a little more clarity, a little better grasp of what matters. Love. Forgiveness. It all comes down to these.
One of my aunts said yesterday that thing we all think when faced with our mortality, "Live each day like it is your last." And I've heard it said, sung, preached, and taught many times before, but this time I really pondered that statement. For me, what would that look like? How would I want to spend my very last day? I feel certain it would not include sky-diving or any other extreme sport. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think I would just want to spend it with the people I love. I would want to mend some bridges I've burned, I would want to hug some necks I haven't hugged in a while, and I would want to make sure and kiss all my babies a whole lot, and hold my husband's hand. I think I would want to say a lot, because I always have a lot to say… But I would be more careful and intentional about the words I speak. No time for subtlety or sugar-coating. Just the truth, in love, with boldness. (I have a friend that can do this. She can cut to the chase, be as blunt and efficient as can be, and still manage to make me feel loved. This is a rare gift, indeed. But, I digress…)
All of that, I guess, is just a way of being ready to say goodbye, right? To make sure those you love KNOW they are loved, to forgive, to ask forgiveness… To give real hugs (I am not good at this) and to kiss more cheeks. I think what I'm saying is I realize maybe I have been too reserved? Held back a little too much? Waited to see if I perceived love and acceptance before extending it? I'm always so afraid of coming on too strong that I stand back and don't give myself fully to those I love. I give them a small part of me, the part I think they will approve of, instead of saying ”To heck with that, I love you, and like it or not I'm gonna act like it!" I have regretted many words that have come out of my mouth (or fingertips) in my lifetime, but I don't want to come to the end of it and regret NOT having said words that heal hearts and mend bridges because I was afraid of rejection.
Life is relationships. And relationships are hard. And giving ourselves fully to flawed and imperfect people is scary, indeed. But what good is self-protection in the end? Sure, it might protect us from the pain of disappointment and rejection, but it will inevitably bring the heartache of loneliness. And choosing not to love might protect us from the pain of loss, but will rob us of the true joy in living. And choosing not to forgive might momentarily soothe our pride, but in the end, isn't our own pride always the most vicious enemy of our soul?
I read this tonight and it brought fresh tears, "The good news: not that the good are rescued, (because what news would that be?), but the bad, the very bad, are loved, bought, redeemed. This is the thing: The only thing that fixes what’s broken is forgiveness." (Ann Voskamp, www.aholyexperience.com) And I wonder if my uncle had time? Time enough to mend the bridges and extend forgiveness, to say all the words he wanted to say? And I know he loved well, he was one of the warmest people in my life, but don't we all run out of time eventually? We know Christ forgives…. And we are rescued… Can we also rescue each other by forgiving? I want to live my life with this kind of mind, this kind of heart… That sees only the beauty of the cross in those difficult relationships, the opportunity to give and to receive Grace. And then I read "Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." (Luke 7:47) Oh how I want to love BIG. And I have truly been forgiven MUCH. So it is this I want to nail down tonight…. That I will forgive and love in the same measure I have been forgiven and loved, or as close to it as possible for my poor mess of a human heart.
These late night ramblings often make me wake up in a panic over being a little too vulnerable, a little too real… I'm sure I'll feel that way tomorrow too. But maybe now I can go to sleep with a little more clarity, a little better grasp of what matters. Love. Forgiveness. It all comes down to these.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Being an Intentional Woman
Guess it has been a while... This time of year is always hectic, but this year has been particularly busy, and many of my own pursuits have been pushed to the side for the moment. (Unfortunately that has included things like housework, time with my husband, time with God, reading uplifting books and blogs..) But we are thankfully settling back into the familiar routine of school, band/football/baseball practices, and church stuff. The summer days have flown by at an alarming rate, and I have felt a little off balance lately. So this morning in my quiet house, I am taking a look at my life, heart, and relationships, trying to figure out where I am and where I need to be. I don't like the feeling of wandering aimlessly through these busy days.
Our Tuesday morning ministry at church has a new name. It is now called "iWoman" which stands for "Intentional Woman". This is what I want to be. Intentional. About my faith, my relationships, (particularly with my husband and kids), my time, and even how I spend these few minutes that God gives me to write... After all, how can a life have purpose if it isn't lived intentionally? So that's what I'm doing this morning... asking God to give me more than just direction, to show me His purpose for me in this season, so that I can be intentional about serving Him in my home, in my church, in my new job teaching preschool, in my writing, in my relationships. I think it is time to stop focusing so much on what I'm not good at, and start focusing on becoming the woman He created me to be. I think I have been so discouraged by where I'm NOT that I have been standing still, afraid to move forward. So, in this season of beginnings, I want to start fresh, stop dwelling on what I lack, and walk forward with the confidence that God will bring to completion what he started in me.
The verse I am memorizing today is Galatians 5:25, "Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives."
*If you find yourself in the same place I've been, wanting to move forward with God but not sure where to begin, consider this your invitation to join us for iWoman on Tuesdays at Willowbrook this fall, starting in September. We'll meet from 9-11am in the Youth Outbuilding. Visitors welcome, childcare free with reservation. Go to www.winningwomentochrist.org and click the link for iWoman for schedule and contact info.
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