No resolutions this year. Not that there aren't some things I'd like to change, do differently, do better... Just thinking I'll take it one day at a time and see where God leads. I did, however, spend some time yesterday reflecting over 2011 and all the countless ways God blessed us. This post is just a record of some of the "big ones". No particular order, just making sure I get it in black and white for those days in 2012 when I need to be reminded.
1. I got to spend all of 2011 with my best friend. Michael and I have had a lot of storms to weather together, and he has been a rock. I am so grateful for that man.
2. All of our kids have been healthy and injury free, and with 7 children that is no small miracle!
3. After two years of job-searching, Michael got a great job with a great company, and God has truly blessed his hard work.
4. Somehow, like the loaves and fishes, we had enough. Every month, every week, every day, God provided what we needed and more. I am continually amazed at how He provides for His children.
5. We were able to keep our home, despite being on the very brink of foreclosure. God provided the way out of this near disaster just in time! I don't think I will ever take these four walls for granted again.
6. We got the blessing of being involved in ministry at our church to other blended families seeking peace in their homes, and God has allowed us to grow and serve at Willowbrook in ways I never could have imagined. He truly uses ANYBODY with a willing and available heart!
7. Despite our tight finances and large family with an impossible budget, we have been able to give... I am so thankful that my frugal husband has a generous heart and is faithful to tithe and give even when we can't see how the numbers will work. This is God's grace at work in our lives.
8. We have watched our family truly start to "blend", seeing relationships deepen, seeing our kids take up for each other, enjoy each other, and our house has truly begun to feel like our home. We still have some growing to do, but we are on the right track, and I am so thankful.
9. Friendships. I never could have imagined that I would have the kind of friends that God has blessed my life with. My life is rich and full because of the women God has placed around me. All different... some wise, some just so infectiously FUN, some that are so much like me, and some who are just plain sweet. I pray that I will be a good friend to each of them in the coming year!
10. Our families. Our parents have all been (relatively) healthy, with only a few scares... We are so thankful God has been gracious and allowed us to enjoy our parents, siblings, nieces, and nephews. Life is short...
These ten, all gifts from God, are the tip of the iceberg, really... but are definitely among the the blessings I am most grateful for. I don't know what this new year holds, thankfully. But I know I serve a God I can trust to make my path straight. I pray I will not fail to say thanks, everyday, for every gift of grace. I am well aware that I deserve none of it.
Happy New Year!
Monday, January 2, 2012
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
The Trouble with Truth
Sometimes a conversation starts and you think you know where it is going, and then it surprises you and takes a turn you did not expect... I had one of those this morning. I was flipping through a magazine I recently subscribed to while sitting at the kitchen table having coffee and chatting with my husband. I was reading him snippets of articles that were interesting... All written by mothers and wives seeking to be women of virtue, and I came across that dreaded word you don't hear so much in association with marriage these days..."obey". I turned the page and said something to the effect of "what an old fashioned chauvinistic way of thinking". And my sweet and wise husband who normally would not plunge into these deep waters without first thinking said, "But look how happy they are. Look at their families, how simply they live. I'm no chauvinist, but there is something to be said for those 'old fashioned' values." Whoa. I was NOT expecting that.
So I took a deep breath and tentatively stepped into the water with him. I asked him to elaborate. He said he felt our family had no clear leader... That maybe I (really? me?) was not really willing to submit to anyone else's authority. And I said, "so you are saying I am not a submissive wife?" (I think he may have held back a chuckle here, I can't be sure) Now, I should clarify that he was not suggesting that I not have an opinion, or a voice, or that I shouldn't have some authority in our home.. I knew exactly what he meant. I did not have to think long before I saw the reason... It is impossible to be submissive and defensive at the same time. And I am carrying some baggage that causes me to fear giving anyone else the ability to take advantage of me, fear that I will lose my voice, and ultimately myself (again) so I defend. I stand tall and strong and pretend to be in charge. And he lets me because he is gentle and patient, and to some degree understands the why behind it all. I had fooled myself into thinking this was working for us until this morning. I am thankful he was vulnerable enough to say what was in his heart, though it raised some questions I have turned over in my mind all day.
As I said, these are deep waters, and I am not really able to articulate all that is floating around in my head just yet... But I know that this is one area God and I will be doing some work on. Or, I guess I should say, I will "submit" to whatever work God chooses to do in me. (See? I really do like to be in charge.) I don't like the fact that God keeps holding up that mirror of truth and letting me see the ugliness still within, but at least in His mercy He usually just gives me one area at a time to deal with. So, I guess this is "goodbye, control freak" and "hello sweet virtuous and lovely submissive wife". Oh my. This will not be a quick fix, I fear! But true beauty is never easy... It always starts on the inside, right? Too bad there isn't a 7-day herbal cleanse for this kind of stuff! I am very thankful God gave me ears to hear my husband's heart this morning. Now it is time to do something about it. When I figure out what, exactly, I will probably write about that. For now, I am just praying for a softer, more trusting heart and for the grace to grow into a wife that truly honors God. A pretty good place to start, I think.
So I took a deep breath and tentatively stepped into the water with him. I asked him to elaborate. He said he felt our family had no clear leader... That maybe I (really? me?) was not really willing to submit to anyone else's authority. And I said, "so you are saying I am not a submissive wife?" (I think he may have held back a chuckle here, I can't be sure) Now, I should clarify that he was not suggesting that I not have an opinion, or a voice, or that I shouldn't have some authority in our home.. I knew exactly what he meant. I did not have to think long before I saw the reason... It is impossible to be submissive and defensive at the same time. And I am carrying some baggage that causes me to fear giving anyone else the ability to take advantage of me, fear that I will lose my voice, and ultimately myself (again) so I defend. I stand tall and strong and pretend to be in charge. And he lets me because he is gentle and patient, and to some degree understands the why behind it all. I had fooled myself into thinking this was working for us until this morning. I am thankful he was vulnerable enough to say what was in his heart, though it raised some questions I have turned over in my mind all day.
As I said, these are deep waters, and I am not really able to articulate all that is floating around in my head just yet... But I know that this is one area God and I will be doing some work on. Or, I guess I should say, I will "submit" to whatever work God chooses to do in me. (See? I really do like to be in charge.) I don't like the fact that God keeps holding up that mirror of truth and letting me see the ugliness still within, but at least in His mercy He usually just gives me one area at a time to deal with. So, I guess this is "goodbye, control freak" and "hello sweet virtuous and lovely submissive wife". Oh my. This will not be a quick fix, I fear! But true beauty is never easy... It always starts on the inside, right? Too bad there isn't a 7-day herbal cleanse for this kind of stuff! I am very thankful God gave me ears to hear my husband's heart this morning. Now it is time to do something about it. When I figure out what, exactly, I will probably write about that. For now, I am just praying for a softer, more trusting heart and for the grace to grow into a wife that truly honors God. A pretty good place to start, I think.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
The Gift of Now
Time to slow down. That's been the message.... The soft whisper in my soul, the quiet words in my mind. And still I hurry. I hurry to get kids fed and off to school, I hurry to get myself ready for the day, I hurry to load babies in carseats, I hurry to get home to start dinner and homework and snacks and laundry, I hurry to do the dishes and hurry kids off to bed. And still He whispers, "Kari, slow down. Take time to be present in these moments without looking to the next one." And I hear it, and I think that I will slow down, maybe just once I get the kitchen clean and the laundry put away. How can a mama slow down with so much to be done?
And that's when it hits. Two little ones with stomach viruses. Everything else stops spinning and I focus on just these two pitiful ones. I don't do dishes, I don't cook, I don't fold any clothes or put on any makeup. I just hold them, wash their faces with a cool cloth, sit with them, sing to them... I send my regrets for parties and events on my calendar, and the to-do list gets lost in the pile of unopened mail on the table. And the world doesn't crumble around me. The house still stands, the children still get fed, and by some small miracle I regain some lost piece of myself in the not-doing.
Today is day 4 of the virus, which unfortunately has passed from little ones to Daddy. And just today it occurred to me that it was all by design... That just maybe I was saying "no" to the one thing we all needed most. It is hard to be fully present with so many things pulling me away, until I have no choice. While I am not thankful that my family has been ill, I am very grateful that God has used this time to remind me that I don't have to do it all. That He does not need me to run the world. (Imagine that?) That it is not only ok, but necessary to just be still sometimes.
For some weeks now, I have been in the process of evaluating my time and how I spend it, making changes to my schedule and obligations so that I can be here and available. I am thankful for a God who calls me back to the now and shows me where I have overextended myself. I don't want my legacy to be "She washed a lot of dishes and ran a lot of errands." I want to give them more of myself than what's leftover after all the menial and mundane tasks are checked off my list. There will always be more laundry to fold and more dishes to wash. But there won't always be kids sitting at my table doing homework, or babies to read to. If I'm not careful and intentional, I might miss it. And to miss it for something so meaningless as an empty sink would be a tragedy, indeed.
As my family is on the mend, I am praying for a fresh awareness of what's really important that will last into the coming days and weeks and months, that I won't forget next week when the pace of this season tries to sweep me away to just be present. To be here, now. Because now is a gift.
"Live wisely... and make the most of every opportunity." Colossians 4:5
And that's when it hits. Two little ones with stomach viruses. Everything else stops spinning and I focus on just these two pitiful ones. I don't do dishes, I don't cook, I don't fold any clothes or put on any makeup. I just hold them, wash their faces with a cool cloth, sit with them, sing to them... I send my regrets for parties and events on my calendar, and the to-do list gets lost in the pile of unopened mail on the table. And the world doesn't crumble around me. The house still stands, the children still get fed, and by some small miracle I regain some lost piece of myself in the not-doing.
Today is day 4 of the virus, which unfortunately has passed from little ones to Daddy. And just today it occurred to me that it was all by design... That just maybe I was saying "no" to the one thing we all needed most. It is hard to be fully present with so many things pulling me away, until I have no choice. While I am not thankful that my family has been ill, I am very grateful that God has used this time to remind me that I don't have to do it all. That He does not need me to run the world. (Imagine that?) That it is not only ok, but necessary to just be still sometimes.
For some weeks now, I have been in the process of evaluating my time and how I spend it, making changes to my schedule and obligations so that I can be here and available. I am thankful for a God who calls me back to the now and shows me where I have overextended myself. I don't want my legacy to be "She washed a lot of dishes and ran a lot of errands." I want to give them more of myself than what's leftover after all the menial and mundane tasks are checked off my list. There will always be more laundry to fold and more dishes to wash. But there won't always be kids sitting at my table doing homework, or babies to read to. If I'm not careful and intentional, I might miss it. And to miss it for something so meaningless as an empty sink would be a tragedy, indeed.
As my family is on the mend, I am praying for a fresh awareness of what's really important that will last into the coming days and weeks and months, that I won't forget next week when the pace of this season tries to sweep me away to just be present. To be here, now. Because now is a gift.
"Live wisely... and make the most of every opportunity." Colossians 4:5
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Mommy Panic
Moms are women. (Usually, anyway... but that's a topic for another day.) And as women, we are prone to moments that lack logic when it comes to our kids, right? I had a moment like that today. It started this morning when my 15 year old son hopped out of bed bright and early at 8:30am on a Saturday and informed me we needed to go shopping. But not for just anything... for a tie he could wear to the homecoming dance that would match his date's dress. And I felt my heart skip a beat. We had discussed all this earlier in the week, of course, but this morning it became reality! And no, this wasn't his first dance, or even his first homecoming, but when you have a kid in high school, suddenly every occasion seems momentous... I started thinking, "Wow, this is the last year he will need me to 'take' him anywhere, next year he will be driving himself to buy ties, and the next year he will have his very last homecoming at Grissom High School, and then he will be gone forever and I'll have to beg him to come visit me, and who could blame him for staying away so much when life in this family is such a crazy mess!" See, this is where the "lack of logic" comes into play. And he is a son, a boy, a male, a man, and therefore not entirely comfortable with these moments of mommy panic. The moments when all I can see in his face is that intense and serious little boy he once was, and how he's come out of his shell so much and how much I love who he is and at the same time miss that little boy soooo very much... How proud I am that he is so independent and how much I miss being needed. (You should know that I type these words with tears flowing... Is there any other way to watch a child grow up? Joy and sorrow all mixed in together.. Are there even words to describe this?)
So I panic, but not because I fear for him. This young man is smart, capable, independent and competent. He will excel. But my mommy heart selfishly breaks a little each time I watch him take another step toward his future, because I fear it will take him far from me. I know, I know... that is the way life is. But gosh, no one told me it would happen so soon. Or maybe they did, and I was too wrapped up in the little years to be able to wrap my head and heart around that as well. And I want to tell him so many things, but at 15 he really has it all figured out, you know. I wonder sometimes if he remembers... Sharing blueberry "beagles" for breakfast in the recliner while we watched Sesame Street, making costumes out of underwear, football helmets and legos, playing the "panio" with mommy, reading 10 stories at bedtime, playing games on the carpet, teaching his baby brother to hit a baseball off a tee... A million memories I have of this child and now he is out making his own... And I am proud. And sad. And happy. Crazy? Probably.
I know he isn't really going to leave me forever... I know to some degree he will always need his mom. And I know that God will direct his paths and watch over him when I can't. I just look at the time I have left with him still "in my nest" and I think it isn't enough! 2 1/2 years just isn't enough.... But the days fly by, turning into weeks and months and I am left with this panic in my heart that it really is going too fast... And after him all the others will follow, one (or two) at a time. And I just want to make the most of it, these fleeting moments that we have to love and live and laugh together. So that they remember.
I know I will.
So I panic, but not because I fear for him. This young man is smart, capable, independent and competent. He will excel. But my mommy heart selfishly breaks a little each time I watch him take another step toward his future, because I fear it will take him far from me. I know, I know... that is the way life is. But gosh, no one told me it would happen so soon. Or maybe they did, and I was too wrapped up in the little years to be able to wrap my head and heart around that as well. And I want to tell him so many things, but at 15 he really has it all figured out, you know. I wonder sometimes if he remembers... Sharing blueberry "beagles" for breakfast in the recliner while we watched Sesame Street, making costumes out of underwear, football helmets and legos, playing the "panio" with mommy, reading 10 stories at bedtime, playing games on the carpet, teaching his baby brother to hit a baseball off a tee... A million memories I have of this child and now he is out making his own... And I am proud. And sad. And happy. Crazy? Probably.
I know he isn't really going to leave me forever... I know to some degree he will always need his mom. And I know that God will direct his paths and watch over him when I can't. I just look at the time I have left with him still "in my nest" and I think it isn't enough! 2 1/2 years just isn't enough.... But the days fly by, turning into weeks and months and I am left with this panic in my heart that it really is going too fast... And after him all the others will follow, one (or two) at a time. And I just want to make the most of it, these fleeting moments that we have to love and live and laugh together. So that they remember.
I know I will.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Impossibly Simple
I love to read about marriage. Blog posts, books, articles... After all, with one failed marriage already in my history, I could use the help, right? I am currently reading Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas, along with his Devotions for a Sacred Marriage. I also just started reading The Love Dare, and the 3 of those together make for some pretty revolutionizing reading. I also read some blogs by godly women about being a wife and a mom, and I have come to agree with Gary Thomas' theory that God did not intend for marriage to make us happy. He intended for marriage to make us holy... To drive us to Himself when all of our efforts to be the perfect wife, the perfect mom, are seemingly in vain, and even that worthy pursuit leaves us empty and longing.
We women devote an enormous amount of time and energy in the pursuit of a happy family life, and of course we should! But I wonder if we are making it harder than it has to be? This question has been turning over in my mind... What if we devoted ourselves to one purpose and one alone, and that one purpose being to conform to Christ, wouldn't the rest just fall into place? Because who can resist Him? If we become like Him, then who could resist us? I've always wanted to be irresistable... but there are some qualities I possess that are unattractive indeed. Like the need to be right. All the time. I mean, really, I have such a hard time admitting when I'm wrong. And since I am wrong quite often, this causes some stress. And the need to "feel appreciated". I tell you, this might be the worst, because it exposes the selfishness behind even the so-called selfless things I do!
I think what God is showing me in all of this reading I'm doing lately is that I do a lot of the right things. but with the wrong motives. I am busy trying to win everyone's approval, busy trying to be the perfect wife (yeah, right! I can hear my husband laughing at this one) and busy trying to be Super-Duper-Mom/Stepmom and you know what? No one ever (well, rarely ever) says thank you. And nobody really even notices half the stuff I do. So what happens? I start feeling resentful, and at times even angry that I am not getting the approval I so desperately want. Life for a recovering approval-addict just gets this way from time to time. We know better. But it is such a familiar way of perceiving things that when life gets busy it can become the default mode if we aren't careful. So last week, when I was just really down in the dumps, God reminded me through all this reading, "Hey Kari, you really only need to be concerned with the approval of One... Follow me, do what I do. Love like I love, and forgive the way I forgive you." Impossibly simple. Impossible because I can't do those things. Simple because He can.
Maybe this isn't revolutionary for you? Maybe you have figured it all out already. If so, please send me the link to your blog so that I can "follow" you! For me, it is always this winding path that keeps coming around to the same old issues and wearing the ruts deep. It takes a few trips around the bend for me to really "get it". This is just a short list of some things I am learning lately... Things that make my world look a little different than before.
1. He understands. No one was more misjudged, misunderstood, or mistreated than Jesus. So He knows how it feels. His motives were questioned, His credibility doubted, and even when He took the time to heal lepers He was left without even a simple "thank you" from all but one. Very few believed the truth about Him, choosing to hold to their preconceived notions about this guy from Nazareth.
2. He loved them anyway. He responded to their doubt, their lies, their abuse, their slander, their insults, with love. With a heart of forgiveness and mercy and tenderness. He didn't retaliate or defend Himself. He knew who He was. Their unbelief did not change a thing about who He was.
3. This was to be an example to me. On a much smaller scale, for sure. But who among us hasn't felt the sting of rejection? The pain of being cast aside? The heartache of being misunderstood? The frustration of being unappreciated... He showed us what to do. Love them anyway.
Three simple truths. A perfect model to pattern my life after... Impossible to live out in my own strength. But as I am learning more and more with each day, what seems impossible to me is just an invitation for God to work and move in my life.
We women devote an enormous amount of time and energy in the pursuit of a happy family life, and of course we should! But I wonder if we are making it harder than it has to be? This question has been turning over in my mind... What if we devoted ourselves to one purpose and one alone, and that one purpose being to conform to Christ, wouldn't the rest just fall into place? Because who can resist Him? If we become like Him, then who could resist us? I've always wanted to be irresistable... but there are some qualities I possess that are unattractive indeed. Like the need to be right. All the time. I mean, really, I have such a hard time admitting when I'm wrong. And since I am wrong quite often, this causes some stress. And the need to "feel appreciated". I tell you, this might be the worst, because it exposes the selfishness behind even the so-called selfless things I do!
I think what God is showing me in all of this reading I'm doing lately is that I do a lot of the right things. but with the wrong motives. I am busy trying to win everyone's approval, busy trying to be the perfect wife (yeah, right! I can hear my husband laughing at this one) and busy trying to be Super-Duper-Mom/Stepmom and you know what? No one ever (well, rarely ever) says thank you. And nobody really even notices half the stuff I do. So what happens? I start feeling resentful, and at times even angry that I am not getting the approval I so desperately want. Life for a recovering approval-addict just gets this way from time to time. We know better. But it is such a familiar way of perceiving things that when life gets busy it can become the default mode if we aren't careful. So last week, when I was just really down in the dumps, God reminded me through all this reading, "Hey Kari, you really only need to be concerned with the approval of One... Follow me, do what I do. Love like I love, and forgive the way I forgive you." Impossibly simple. Impossible because I can't do those things. Simple because He can.
Maybe this isn't revolutionary for you? Maybe you have figured it all out already. If so, please send me the link to your blog so that I can "follow" you! For me, it is always this winding path that keeps coming around to the same old issues and wearing the ruts deep. It takes a few trips around the bend for me to really "get it". This is just a short list of some things I am learning lately... Things that make my world look a little different than before.
1. He understands. No one was more misjudged, misunderstood, or mistreated than Jesus. So He knows how it feels. His motives were questioned, His credibility doubted, and even when He took the time to heal lepers He was left without even a simple "thank you" from all but one. Very few believed the truth about Him, choosing to hold to their preconceived notions about this guy from Nazareth.
2. He loved them anyway. He responded to their doubt, their lies, their abuse, their slander, their insults, with love. With a heart of forgiveness and mercy and tenderness. He didn't retaliate or defend Himself. He knew who He was. Their unbelief did not change a thing about who He was.
3. This was to be an example to me. On a much smaller scale, for sure. But who among us hasn't felt the sting of rejection? The pain of being cast aside? The heartache of being misunderstood? The frustration of being unappreciated... He showed us what to do. Love them anyway.
Three simple truths. A perfect model to pattern my life after... Impossible to live out in my own strength. But as I am learning more and more with each day, what seems impossible to me is just an invitation for God to work and move in my life.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
E is for Exhausted
I am not even sure how to start this post, except to say Thank You God that this week is over and tomorrow is Sunday. I could write a whole book just on the events of this week, but I don't have that kind of time tonight. So let me just say that it has been HARD. On every level, from every side, just plain hard. And for once, I can't blame it on hormones. Now, I do not want to say that there have not been any good moments, because that isn't true, but they have definitely been eclipsed by the difficult ones this week. And no, there is nothing "big" going on. Just the sinking feeling that I have spread myself entirely too thin, and its too late to turn back. And every mom knows the result of being spread too thin. Exhaustion. I am forcing myself to be more transparent here than I am really comfortable with, but truly I have just shut down. My body, my mind, my emotions, they have just come to a grinding halt leaving me numb. I don't want to parent, I don't want to see friends, I don't want to talk (mainly because I start crying every time) and I don't even really know why... I just feel so overwhelmed.
A sweet friend checked on me yesterday and reminded me that I have an Enemy who is seeking to steal my joy.... And I looked back over the countless, non-stop messes of this week and it was undeniably the work of someone who had calculated and planned each disaster to pierce me at my weakest, most vulnerable spots. An Enemy who knows me well. But I should be ready for this, right? God's word tells us to put on our armor... That there is one seeking to steal, kill and destroy... And maybe my guard is just down? Maybe I forgot that I have a Defender, one who fights for me... At any rate, I felt defenseless. Attacked. Not ready.
Another dear lady reminded me of the fact that I'm not supposed to "do-it-all-myself", that in seeking to be super-woman I cheat myself of the blessing of being helped by those who love me and are willing. And at the root of it all might be that seed of pride that I struggle with. And ouch, that hurt, but yes, it resonates as Truth in my spirit.
My husband, who doesn't say a whole lot, (especially not when I am having this kind of week) has listened as I have literally poured out all of the conflicting, contradicting, at times CRAZY things in my head, and has not really offered much advice (for which I am so thankful) until today. But what he said today really cut straight to the heart... He gently reminded me of all the times I have encouraged him to choose the right even when it isn't easy, to be generous when being selfish would feel better, to turn the other cheek, to let the little things go and to give grace... Again, OUCH. But I knew he was right. I had switched back into that old familiar self-protective mode. Walls up, mind closed, heart locked up tight. It is amazing to me how easy it is to fall back into this when I know better.
I have another friend who has told me many times to "lead with my heart", because she knows my tendency to feign confidence when I am really steeped in self-doubt. It's almost as if, the harder and more impossible things get, the more I try to prove I can do it all myself. Why do I do this? What do I have to prove? And to whom?
Is there a point to this post? I don't even know. It is just the honest rambling of a really tired mama who has lost her way this week. But tomorrow is a new day, a new week, another chance to start over. I can at least leave you with some verses (compliments of Lauren Ford's study notes from bible study on Thursday) that I have been clinging to this weekend. Maybe it is just what you need too?
Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
Ephesians 4:32 "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Luke 6:32-35 "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because He is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked."
Lamentations 3:22-23 "Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness."
Isaiah 40:31 "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Luke 18:27 "Jesus replied, 'What is impossible with man is possible with God.'"
A sweet friend checked on me yesterday and reminded me that I have an Enemy who is seeking to steal my joy.... And I looked back over the countless, non-stop messes of this week and it was undeniably the work of someone who had calculated and planned each disaster to pierce me at my weakest, most vulnerable spots. An Enemy who knows me well. But I should be ready for this, right? God's word tells us to put on our armor... That there is one seeking to steal, kill and destroy... And maybe my guard is just down? Maybe I forgot that I have a Defender, one who fights for me... At any rate, I felt defenseless. Attacked. Not ready.
Another dear lady reminded me of the fact that I'm not supposed to "do-it-all-myself", that in seeking to be super-woman I cheat myself of the blessing of being helped by those who love me and are willing. And at the root of it all might be that seed of pride that I struggle with. And ouch, that hurt, but yes, it resonates as Truth in my spirit.
My husband, who doesn't say a whole lot, (especially not when I am having this kind of week) has listened as I have literally poured out all of the conflicting, contradicting, at times CRAZY things in my head, and has not really offered much advice (for which I am so thankful) until today. But what he said today really cut straight to the heart... He gently reminded me of all the times I have encouraged him to choose the right even when it isn't easy, to be generous when being selfish would feel better, to turn the other cheek, to let the little things go and to give grace... Again, OUCH. But I knew he was right. I had switched back into that old familiar self-protective mode. Walls up, mind closed, heart locked up tight. It is amazing to me how easy it is to fall back into this when I know better.
I have another friend who has told me many times to "lead with my heart", because she knows my tendency to feign confidence when I am really steeped in self-doubt. It's almost as if, the harder and more impossible things get, the more I try to prove I can do it all myself. Why do I do this? What do I have to prove? And to whom?
Is there a point to this post? I don't even know. It is just the honest rambling of a really tired mama who has lost her way this week. But tomorrow is a new day, a new week, another chance to start over. I can at least leave you with some verses (compliments of Lauren Ford's study notes from bible study on Thursday) that I have been clinging to this weekend. Maybe it is just what you need too?
Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
Ephesians 4:32 "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Luke 6:32-35 "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because He is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked."
Lamentations 3:22-23 "Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness."
Isaiah 40:31 "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Luke 18:27 "Jesus replied, 'What is impossible with man is possible with God.'"
Sunday, September 25, 2011
A Deep Breath
Sunday evening always sneaks up on me... The weekend lures me into a state of calm, which is GOOD, but every week, on Sunday night it comes to an abrupt end! Because, this is truly when the week begins, at least for moms. Here is the scene at my house on Sunday night: I open the fridge and see that it is nearly empty (of anything other than the 2 week old leftovers growing fuzz) so I scribble out a grocery list and head to Kroger, where I bump into other moms I know with loaded buggies and we joke about how this whole cart full of food, that is supposed to last for a week, will be gone in 3 days. And then I rush home, unload and put away the week's provision and take a deep breath. That's when it hits me. I haven't done a single load of laundry since (gasp) THURSDAY. Which means most of my husband's work clothes are in the hamper, along with the twins' play clothes. Oh yeah, and all the towels. So, I sort the clothes and cram as many as I can into the washer and press start. Another deep breath. I glance at the calendar and realize this is the last week in September, which means October lesson plans should be turned in this week, so I head to the computer to work on that.
Things are moving right along, until the twins notice I am sitting down, and that will never do, so they do their very best to distract, (and they are really quite good at this, I tell ya) and I give up on that endeavor for the moment to make some mac and cheese. That's when dear husband asks the dreaded, "What are you and I going to eat?" and I'm thinking to myself, "WE ate lunch at the Mexican buffet, and I am still full, so you should be too..." But realizing that men do not operate that way, I give my best cute-apologetic-smile and he makes himself a sandwich without complaint. Another deep breath and a BIG sigh of relief. Love a man that doesn't mind making his own sandwich. That is just a gift from God.
Next on the agenda is bedtime for little ones (after I clean the mac and cheese out of Gracie's hair), but they are not cooperating and this takes the better part of an hour to accomplish. Deep breaths, counting to ten... Love is patient, love is patient, love is patient... Now back to the lesson plans. Which leads me back to the computer, which is where I sit at present, typing this blog post. I ask myself, "Why do I do this?" You know, put off the things that are required in favor of the not-so-necessary... And I don't know the answer. But it helps to laugh at myself a little, and I am a little less tense than when I sat down. So maybe it is still productive? It is a deep breath of sorts, collecting my thoughts like this.
Ready now for the rest of the "have-to-do's", I am heading to the kitchen to clean up a little, then to transfer wet clothes to the dryer, and then straight up to bed. I am usually singing something in my head, and no, it isn't always inspirational. Tonight's soundtrack is Bryan Adams... "Ain't no use in complaining, when you got a job to do...." (I don't know where this stuff comes from.) Am I the only one who thinks that Monday really starts on Sunday evening? I think there should be a calendar that reflects this phenomenon. So that I am not surprised and blind-sided by it every single week. So with one more deep breath, it is back to work for me. Praying we all have a blessed and joy-filled Monday. Starting now!
Things are moving right along, until the twins notice I am sitting down, and that will never do, so they do their very best to distract, (and they are really quite good at this, I tell ya) and I give up on that endeavor for the moment to make some mac and cheese. That's when dear husband asks the dreaded, "What are you and I going to eat?" and I'm thinking to myself, "WE ate lunch at the Mexican buffet, and I am still full, so you should be too..." But realizing that men do not operate that way, I give my best cute-apologetic-smile and he makes himself a sandwich without complaint. Another deep breath and a BIG sigh of relief. Love a man that doesn't mind making his own sandwich. That is just a gift from God.
Next on the agenda is bedtime for little ones (after I clean the mac and cheese out of Gracie's hair), but they are not cooperating and this takes the better part of an hour to accomplish. Deep breaths, counting to ten... Love is patient, love is patient, love is patient... Now back to the lesson plans. Which leads me back to the computer, which is where I sit at present, typing this blog post. I ask myself, "Why do I do this?" You know, put off the things that are required in favor of the not-so-necessary... And I don't know the answer. But it helps to laugh at myself a little, and I am a little less tense than when I sat down. So maybe it is still productive? It is a deep breath of sorts, collecting my thoughts like this.
Ready now for the rest of the "have-to-do's", I am heading to the kitchen to clean up a little, then to transfer wet clothes to the dryer, and then straight up to bed. I am usually singing something in my head, and no, it isn't always inspirational. Tonight's soundtrack is Bryan Adams... "Ain't no use in complaining, when you got a job to do...." (I don't know where this stuff comes from.) Am I the only one who thinks that Monday really starts on Sunday evening? I think there should be a calendar that reflects this phenomenon. So that I am not surprised and blind-sided by it every single week. So with one more deep breath, it is back to work for me. Praying we all have a blessed and joy-filled Monday. Starting now!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)