A million times a day, it seems, I get it wrong. My best intentions get trampled by my fickle feelings and I fail. I am the one sitting at the table with the sour expression on my face. I am the one snapping at a child for spilling milk. I am the one speaking harsh words to the precious man who works so hard to provide for us. I am the one who doesn't make the phone call or send the card because I am just too busy. I am the one complaining in my spirit about the endless chores and responsibilities of being mom and step-mom to seven. If I can't get it right at least some of the time, then how in the world am I supposed to create a loving, grace-filled, peaceful home? These are the daily battles I face, the struggles that I can't seem to overcome. I think I half-expected Jesus to show up with a magic wand and just zap my attitude into submission. He hasn't done that, but He continues to give me daily opportunities to practice. (I, for one, think the magic wand is a great idea, how about you?)
I am not the woman I want to be, for sure. But I am not the woman I once was, so I know that God is working and changing me, conforming me to His image a little at the time. So I am not without hope for the future, but sometimes finding hope for just today is hard. Truth is, most days I simply give up too soon. I grow weary of constantly having to begin again, having to ask forgiveness for countless lapses in the area of selfishness and pride. Always fighting the urge to throw in the towel. Because of the mommy-weariness, the wife-frustrations, the money-anxiousness, because of the sin-sickness of my heart that seems to drown out all the effort I put forth.
This is the scary part of faith. Choosing to put your whole self out there, body, mind, heart and soul, every day, and leave it out there to be challenged by the storms and trials, the hurts, the fears, the failures... Choosing not to build those walls of protection that keep your heart safe but leave it cold and alone, sacrificing your pride to show grace and love well. Surrender. In the little things, not just the big things. Surrendering my attitude and my tongue countless times a day, these two monsters that seem to ruin all my efforts to be the wife, mom, step-mom, and friend that I should be.
To whatever You have planned for my day, to whatever You bring my way, I surrender. I will trust You. I will rest in the fact that You love me, that you are Good. I will choose to believe that You alone have what I need for just today. Tomorrow will worry about itself. Today I will put myself out there, even if I am shaking in my shoes a little bit. I will trust You with my heart, and I will not build those walls. I will open my heart to You, so You can love others through me. And when I mess up, (which inevitably will happen) I will ask forgiveness and start over.
For just today, I am going to rely on Grace. And hopefully tomorrow I won't forget.