I am not even sure how to start this post, except to say Thank You God that this week is over and tomorrow is Sunday. I could write a whole book just on the events of this week, but I don't have that kind of time tonight. So let me just say that it has been HARD. On every level, from every side, just plain hard. And for once, I can't blame it on hormones. Now, I do not want to say that there have not been any good moments, because that isn't true, but they have definitely been eclipsed by the difficult ones this week. And no, there is nothing "big" going on. Just the sinking feeling that I have spread myself entirely too thin, and its too late to turn back. And every mom knows the result of being spread too thin. Exhaustion. I am forcing myself to be more transparent here than I am really comfortable with, but truly I have just shut down. My body, my mind, my emotions, they have just come to a grinding halt leaving me numb. I don't want to parent, I don't want to see friends, I don't want to talk (mainly because I start crying every time) and I don't even really know why... I just feel so overwhelmed.
A sweet friend checked on me yesterday and reminded me that I have an Enemy who is seeking to steal my joy.... And I looked back over the countless, non-stop messes of this week and it was undeniably the work of someone who had calculated and planned each disaster to pierce me at my weakest, most vulnerable spots. An Enemy who knows me well. But I should be ready for this, right? God's word tells us to put on our armor... That there is one seeking to steal, kill and destroy... And maybe my guard is just down? Maybe I forgot that I have a Defender, one who fights for me... At any rate, I felt defenseless. Attacked. Not ready.
Another dear lady reminded me of the fact that I'm not supposed to "do-it-all-myself", that in seeking to be super-woman I cheat myself of the blessing of being helped by those who love me and are willing. And at the root of it all might be that seed of pride that I struggle with. And ouch, that hurt, but yes, it resonates as Truth in my spirit.
My husband, who doesn't say a whole lot, (especially not when I am having this kind of week) has listened as I have literally poured out all of the conflicting, contradicting, at times CRAZY things in my head, and has not really offered much advice (for which I am so thankful) until today. But what he said today really cut straight to the heart... He gently reminded me of all the times I have encouraged him to choose the right even when it isn't easy, to be generous when being selfish would feel better, to turn the other cheek, to let the little things go and to give grace... Again, OUCH. But I knew he was right. I had switched back into that old familiar self-protective mode. Walls up, mind closed, heart locked up tight. It is amazing to me how easy it is to fall back into this when I know better.
I have another friend who has told me many times to "lead with my heart", because she knows my tendency to feign confidence when I am really steeped in self-doubt. It's almost as if, the harder and more impossible things get, the more I try to prove I can do it all myself. Why do I do this? What do I have to prove? And to whom?
Is there a point to this post? I don't even know. It is just the honest rambling of a really tired mama who has lost her way this week. But tomorrow is a new day, a new week, another chance to start over. I can at least leave you with some verses (compliments of Lauren Ford's study notes from bible study on Thursday) that I have been clinging to this weekend. Maybe it is just what you need too?
Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
Ephesians 4:32 "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Luke 6:32-35 "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because He is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked."
Lamentations 3:22-23 "Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness."
Isaiah 40:31 "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Luke 18:27 "Jesus replied, 'What is impossible with man is possible with God.'"