Sunday evening always sneaks up on me... The weekend lures me into a state of calm, which is GOOD, but every week, on Sunday night it comes to an abrupt end! Because, this is truly when the week begins, at least for moms. Here is the scene at my house on Sunday night: I open the fridge and see that it is nearly empty (of anything other than the 2 week old leftovers growing fuzz) so I scribble out a grocery list and head to Kroger, where I bump into other moms I know with loaded buggies and we joke about how this whole cart full of food, that is supposed to last for a week, will be gone in 3 days. And then I rush home, unload and put away the week's provision and take a deep breath. That's when it hits me. I haven't done a single load of laundry since (gasp) THURSDAY. Which means most of my husband's work clothes are in the hamper, along with the twins' play clothes. Oh yeah, and all the towels. So, I sort the clothes and cram as many as I can into the washer and press start. Another deep breath. I glance at the calendar and realize this is the last week in September, which means October lesson plans should be turned in this week, so I head to the computer to work on that.
Things are moving right along, until the twins notice I am sitting down, and that will never do, so they do their very best to distract, (and they are really quite good at this, I tell ya) and I give up on that endeavor for the moment to make some mac and cheese. That's when dear husband asks the dreaded, "What are you and I going to eat?" and I'm thinking to myself, "WE ate lunch at the Mexican buffet, and I am still full, so you should be too..." But realizing that men do not operate that way, I give my best cute-apologetic-smile and he makes himself a sandwich without complaint. Another deep breath and a BIG sigh of relief. Love a man that doesn't mind making his own sandwich. That is just a gift from God.
Next on the agenda is bedtime for little ones (after I clean the mac and cheese out of Gracie's hair), but they are not cooperating and this takes the better part of an hour to accomplish. Deep breaths, counting to ten... Love is patient, love is patient, love is patient... Now back to the lesson plans. Which leads me back to the computer, which is where I sit at present, typing this blog post. I ask myself, "Why do I do this?" You know, put off the things that are required in favor of the not-so-necessary... And I don't know the answer. But it helps to laugh at myself a little, and I am a little less tense than when I sat down. So maybe it is still productive? It is a deep breath of sorts, collecting my thoughts like this.
Ready now for the rest of the "have-to-do's", I am heading to the kitchen to clean up a little, then to transfer wet clothes to the dryer, and then straight up to bed. I am usually singing something in my head, and no, it isn't always inspirational. Tonight's soundtrack is Bryan Adams... "Ain't no use in complaining, when you got a job to do...." (I don't know where this stuff comes from.) Am I the only one who thinks that Monday really starts on Sunday evening? I think there should be a calendar that reflects this phenomenon. So that I am not surprised and blind-sided by it every single week. So with one more deep breath, it is back to work for me. Praying we all have a blessed and joy-filled Monday. Starting now!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Good in the Mess
I write when I have something to write, which is usually in response to something I have read. With almost no time to read at all, I have had a "writer's block" of sorts, and since anything I come up with on my own is bound to be utter nonsense, I have not really attempted a blog post in a while. At least none that I am willing to share! So tonight, I am soaking up some verses on doing good, because as I wash the dishes and fold more laundry and wipe some unknown stickiness off of bathroom walls the words pounding in my head are these: "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Galatians 6:9) And it isn't the dishes, or the dirty clothes or the sticky messes that make me weary, but the messes that I can't clean... The messes running through my mind that soapy water won't wash away. The ones I want to fix but have no control over. You know. "Those" messes.
So I close my eyes and silently ask, "What is the good? What am I not supposed to grow weary of? What am I supposed to do when my hands are tied and I feel helpless?" And the answer falls gently and swiftly on my heart, "He has shown you, oh mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." So simple. And so hard. It is an answer, the answer, but I go to bed still feeling undone about it all. I pull a book off the shelf and read just a little to help me fall asleep, and am startled when I read these words:
"If I am to rid myself of anything that may contaminate body or spirit, then I can give no place in my life to jealousy, bitterness, resentment, or selfishness. I am always called to practice gentleness, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control. Someone else's sin never gives me the license to respond with sin... Every decision I make, every word I utter, every thought I think, every movement I perform, is to flow out of one holy motivation: reverence for God." (Gary Thomas, Devotions for a Sacred Marriage)
I suppose God in His infinite mercy knew I needed a little clarification.... A little further explanation of the "too simple" answer He whispered at first. Act justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly. No jealousy, bitterness, resentment, selfishness... Always kind, good, faithful, self-controlled. This is the filter through which to view my own thoughts, words, and actions. Are they contaminating and polluting the relationships in my life? Or are they a reflection of His goodness? It is HIS goodness. That is what I am not to grow weary of... Reflecting HIS goodness. Not trying to manufacture some of my own. Wouldn't that really be just a pile of dirty rags in comparison, anyway? And I feel the pressure lift... because I know this Goodness firsthand. How it weaves its way through the mess and brings dark to light and dead to life. And I can rest in this: it isn't up to me. I need only be a willing and broken vessel for it to shine through.
"Whoever wants to embrace life
and see the day fill up with good,
Here's what you do:
Say nothing evil or hurtful;
Snub evil and cultivate good;
run after peace for all you're worth.
God looks on all this with approval,
listening and responding well to what he's asked;
But he turns his back
on those who do evil things."
~1Peter 3:10-12
So I close my eyes and silently ask, "What is the good? What am I not supposed to grow weary of? What am I supposed to do when my hands are tied and I feel helpless?" And the answer falls gently and swiftly on my heart, "He has shown you, oh mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." So simple. And so hard. It is an answer, the answer, but I go to bed still feeling undone about it all. I pull a book off the shelf and read just a little to help me fall asleep, and am startled when I read these words:
"If I am to rid myself of anything that may contaminate body or spirit, then I can give no place in my life to jealousy, bitterness, resentment, or selfishness. I am always called to practice gentleness, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control. Someone else's sin never gives me the license to respond with sin... Every decision I make, every word I utter, every thought I think, every movement I perform, is to flow out of one holy motivation: reverence for God." (Gary Thomas, Devotions for a Sacred Marriage)
I suppose God in His infinite mercy knew I needed a little clarification.... A little further explanation of the "too simple" answer He whispered at first. Act justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly. No jealousy, bitterness, resentment, selfishness... Always kind, good, faithful, self-controlled. This is the filter through which to view my own thoughts, words, and actions. Are they contaminating and polluting the relationships in my life? Or are they a reflection of His goodness? It is HIS goodness. That is what I am not to grow weary of... Reflecting HIS goodness. Not trying to manufacture some of my own. Wouldn't that really be just a pile of dirty rags in comparison, anyway? And I feel the pressure lift... because I know this Goodness firsthand. How it weaves its way through the mess and brings dark to light and dead to life. And I can rest in this: it isn't up to me. I need only be a willing and broken vessel for it to shine through.
"Whoever wants to embrace life
and see the day fill up with good,
Here's what you do:
Say nothing evil or hurtful;
Snub evil and cultivate good;
run after peace for all you're worth.
God looks on all this with approval,
listening and responding well to what he's asked;
But he turns his back
on those who do evil things."
~1Peter 3:10-12
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
What Really Matters
Having trouble sleeping tonight… Thinking about yesterday, tomorrow, and Friday, and the effect these days have had and will have on my ever-changing life, and the lives of those I love most. Perspective shifting sharply into focus as it tends to do when we face the loss of one we love, making me painfully aware of how casually I get up each day and assume all will be well and life will not be interrupted by death. I was lying in bed, praying for my Aunt Pat, my mom and her remaining brother and sisters, and hurting for the sadness they all are feeling tonight. I listened to my husband's even breathing, laid my hand on his chest to feel it rise and fall, and thought to myself that it all seems so unfair, that there is a wife wondering how on earth she will ever learn to sleep alone, live alone, eat alone… It is too much to ask, isn't it? That we be willing to give back to God the one He put beside us? That imperfect, flawed and fallen man that we came to see as the perfect person to fight with, to sleep next to, to lean on and to hold up sometimes…I just can't really wrap my mind around it tonight. What it must feel like to be not asked, but forced to let go of that hand…
One of my aunts said yesterday that thing we all think when faced with our mortality, "Live each day like it is your last." And I've heard it said, sung, preached, and taught many times before, but this time I really pondered that statement. For me, what would that look like? How would I want to spend my very last day? I feel certain it would not include sky-diving or any other extreme sport. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think I would just want to spend it with the people I love. I would want to mend some bridges I've burned, I would want to hug some necks I haven't hugged in a while, and I would want to make sure and kiss all my babies a whole lot, and hold my husband's hand. I think I would want to say a lot, because I always have a lot to say… But I would be more careful and intentional about the words I speak. No time for subtlety or sugar-coating. Just the truth, in love, with boldness. (I have a friend that can do this. She can cut to the chase, be as blunt and efficient as can be, and still manage to make me feel loved. This is a rare gift, indeed. But, I digress…)
All of that, I guess, is just a way of being ready to say goodbye, right? To make sure those you love KNOW they are loved, to forgive, to ask forgiveness… To give real hugs (I am not good at this) and to kiss more cheeks. I think what I'm saying is I realize maybe I have been too reserved? Held back a little too much? Waited to see if I perceived love and acceptance before extending it? I'm always so afraid of coming on too strong that I stand back and don't give myself fully to those I love. I give them a small part of me, the part I think they will approve of, instead of saying ”To heck with that, I love you, and like it or not I'm gonna act like it!" I have regretted many words that have come out of my mouth (or fingertips) in my lifetime, but I don't want to come to the end of it and regret NOT having said words that heal hearts and mend bridges because I was afraid of rejection.
Life is relationships. And relationships are hard. And giving ourselves fully to flawed and imperfect people is scary, indeed. But what good is self-protection in the end? Sure, it might protect us from the pain of disappointment and rejection, but it will inevitably bring the heartache of loneliness. And choosing not to love might protect us from the pain of loss, but will rob us of the true joy in living. And choosing not to forgive might momentarily soothe our pride, but in the end, isn't our own pride always the most vicious enemy of our soul?
I read this tonight and it brought fresh tears, "The good news: not that the good are rescued, (because what news would that be?), but the bad, the very bad, are loved, bought, redeemed. This is the thing: The only thing that fixes what’s broken is forgiveness." (Ann Voskamp, www.aholyexperience.com) And I wonder if my uncle had time? Time enough to mend the bridges and extend forgiveness, to say all the words he wanted to say? And I know he loved well, he was one of the warmest people in my life, but don't we all run out of time eventually? We know Christ forgives…. And we are rescued… Can we also rescue each other by forgiving? I want to live my life with this kind of mind, this kind of heart… That sees only the beauty of the cross in those difficult relationships, the opportunity to give and to receive Grace. And then I read "Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." (Luke 7:47) Oh how I want to love BIG. And I have truly been forgiven MUCH. So it is this I want to nail down tonight…. That I will forgive and love in the same measure I have been forgiven and loved, or as close to it as possible for my poor mess of a human heart.
These late night ramblings often make me wake up in a panic over being a little too vulnerable, a little too real… I'm sure I'll feel that way tomorrow too. But maybe now I can go to sleep with a little more clarity, a little better grasp of what matters. Love. Forgiveness. It all comes down to these.
One of my aunts said yesterday that thing we all think when faced with our mortality, "Live each day like it is your last." And I've heard it said, sung, preached, and taught many times before, but this time I really pondered that statement. For me, what would that look like? How would I want to spend my very last day? I feel certain it would not include sky-diving or any other extreme sport. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think I would just want to spend it with the people I love. I would want to mend some bridges I've burned, I would want to hug some necks I haven't hugged in a while, and I would want to make sure and kiss all my babies a whole lot, and hold my husband's hand. I think I would want to say a lot, because I always have a lot to say… But I would be more careful and intentional about the words I speak. No time for subtlety or sugar-coating. Just the truth, in love, with boldness. (I have a friend that can do this. She can cut to the chase, be as blunt and efficient as can be, and still manage to make me feel loved. This is a rare gift, indeed. But, I digress…)
All of that, I guess, is just a way of being ready to say goodbye, right? To make sure those you love KNOW they are loved, to forgive, to ask forgiveness… To give real hugs (I am not good at this) and to kiss more cheeks. I think what I'm saying is I realize maybe I have been too reserved? Held back a little too much? Waited to see if I perceived love and acceptance before extending it? I'm always so afraid of coming on too strong that I stand back and don't give myself fully to those I love. I give them a small part of me, the part I think they will approve of, instead of saying ”To heck with that, I love you, and like it or not I'm gonna act like it!" I have regretted many words that have come out of my mouth (or fingertips) in my lifetime, but I don't want to come to the end of it and regret NOT having said words that heal hearts and mend bridges because I was afraid of rejection.
Life is relationships. And relationships are hard. And giving ourselves fully to flawed and imperfect people is scary, indeed. But what good is self-protection in the end? Sure, it might protect us from the pain of disappointment and rejection, but it will inevitably bring the heartache of loneliness. And choosing not to love might protect us from the pain of loss, but will rob us of the true joy in living. And choosing not to forgive might momentarily soothe our pride, but in the end, isn't our own pride always the most vicious enemy of our soul?
I read this tonight and it brought fresh tears, "The good news: not that the good are rescued, (because what news would that be?), but the bad, the very bad, are loved, bought, redeemed. This is the thing: The only thing that fixes what’s broken is forgiveness." (Ann Voskamp, www.aholyexperience.com) And I wonder if my uncle had time? Time enough to mend the bridges and extend forgiveness, to say all the words he wanted to say? And I know he loved well, he was one of the warmest people in my life, but don't we all run out of time eventually? We know Christ forgives…. And we are rescued… Can we also rescue each other by forgiving? I want to live my life with this kind of mind, this kind of heart… That sees only the beauty of the cross in those difficult relationships, the opportunity to give and to receive Grace. And then I read "Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." (Luke 7:47) Oh how I want to love BIG. And I have truly been forgiven MUCH. So it is this I want to nail down tonight…. That I will forgive and love in the same measure I have been forgiven and loved, or as close to it as possible for my poor mess of a human heart.
These late night ramblings often make me wake up in a panic over being a little too vulnerable, a little too real… I'm sure I'll feel that way tomorrow too. But maybe now I can go to sleep with a little more clarity, a little better grasp of what matters. Love. Forgiveness. It all comes down to these.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Being an Intentional Woman
Guess it has been a while... This time of year is always hectic, but this year has been particularly busy, and many of my own pursuits have been pushed to the side for the moment. (Unfortunately that has included things like housework, time with my husband, time with God, reading uplifting books and blogs..) But we are thankfully settling back into the familiar routine of school, band/football/baseball practices, and church stuff. The summer days have flown by at an alarming rate, and I have felt a little off balance lately. So this morning in my quiet house, I am taking a look at my life, heart, and relationships, trying to figure out where I am and where I need to be. I don't like the feeling of wandering aimlessly through these busy days.
Our Tuesday morning ministry at church has a new name. It is now called "iWoman" which stands for "Intentional Woman". This is what I want to be. Intentional. About my faith, my relationships, (particularly with my husband and kids), my time, and even how I spend these few minutes that God gives me to write... After all, how can a life have purpose if it isn't lived intentionally? So that's what I'm doing this morning... asking God to give me more than just direction, to show me His purpose for me in this season, so that I can be intentional about serving Him in my home, in my church, in my new job teaching preschool, in my writing, in my relationships. I think it is time to stop focusing so much on what I'm not good at, and start focusing on becoming the woman He created me to be. I think I have been so discouraged by where I'm NOT that I have been standing still, afraid to move forward. So, in this season of beginnings, I want to start fresh, stop dwelling on what I lack, and walk forward with the confidence that God will bring to completion what he started in me.
The verse I am memorizing today is Galatians 5:25, "Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives."
*If you find yourself in the same place I've been, wanting to move forward with God but not sure where to begin, consider this your invitation to join us for iWoman on Tuesdays at Willowbrook this fall, starting in September. We'll meet from 9-11am in the Youth Outbuilding. Visitors welcome, childcare free with reservation. Go to www.winningwomentochrist.org and click the link for iWoman for schedule and contact info.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
The Search for Simple
No one in their right mind would ever look at my life from the outside and call it "simple". A blended family, complete with all the difficult and intricate relationships that come with it, and the crazy schedules of who's staying where and for how long, can make life seem pretty complicated. Throw in some football practices, band rehearsals, and a new job teaching preschool 3 days a week, and it starts to look downright unmanageable! I've never been good at "doing-it-all". I'm not a great multi-tasker, don't work well under pressure, and really have an aversion to structure and rigid routines. My mom would say that is what makes me fun, but honestly these days I'd say it's what makes me nuts! Navigating these wild days is a learning experience to say the least.
I find myself growing weary, feeling overwhelmed, and battling impatience... Not just with the kids, but with myself! Thinking always that I should be able to handle it all with more grace, that I should be able to cheerfully serve the ones I love without this edge. That it is too much because I am not enough. Not strong enough, not organized enough, not disciplined enough... You get the picture. I have written about this very thing before, and probably will again, because it is my battleground for now. God is teaching me so much in this, but the lessons are hard, and I'm not always the best student! My heart's desire is to give my best to my husband and children, to fill our home with love and grace and peace, and allowing God to smooth out my rough edges is the only way, painful though it may be.
Keeping things simple is a challenge for every mom, regardless of family type. And just like every other area of life that I desire change, the change must always begin with me. And God is faithfully revealing areas of my heart and life that need to be simplified. I wish I could say that I welcome the change, but I always resist. So comfortable in my chaos that I say, "I'm fine. My way is fine. I'm fine with my crazy circus life." But I'm not! I am SO not fine. (Ask my husband! He might be the most long-suffering man alive. And I am so very thankful for his patience with me.) The first step to simple: Coming to the end of myself, and "my way", and consequently, to the end of my proverbial rope! This is the only place that God works. At the end of ME.
The second step to simple is a big one. It sounds easy, but has truly been one of the hardest things for me to do. Step two is to Slow Down. When I hurry, I fuel the impatient nature of my heart. One of my favorite quotes is from Ann Voskamp's 1000 Gifts. She says, "Life is not an emergency. Life is brief and it is fleeting but it is not an emergency." I repeat this to myself many times a day, when the heart races, and the clock even faster. To slow down, to be present in this very moment, not racing ahead to the next thing, is the key to calm. And calm is simple. And this is what I want. Sometimes I have to say it out loud, "Slow down. Hurry hurts." (Or sometimes sing to myself, "I can go slow, I can go slow" like on the kids' cd we listen to at preschool, though I don't recommend doing this in public unless you are ok with some strange glances...)
And step three is as far as I've gotten on this path to Simple. It is my favorite, because it has the power to take any moment and transform it immediately. Step three: to Give Thanks. Hudson, my two year old, is a constant reminder to me to be thankful. He walks around singing "God our Father, God our Father, we give thanks, we give thanks" all the time. And this is not the generic "thank you for all my blessings" kind of thanks. I mean moment by moment, actively looking for gifts to be thankful for, even in the midst of the mess kind of thanks. Another favorite quote from 1000 Gifts, "Thanksgiving creates abundance; and the miracle of multiplying happens when I give thanks--taking the just one loaf, say it is enough, and give thanks--and He miraculously makes it more than enough." Being thankful for what He gives each moment is the key to having enough, to being enough. And isn't that what my heart desires? To have enough? To be enough? Isn't all of life simpler when we feel we have adequate resources to fulfill our God-given roles? Thanksgiving keeps life simple and free from striving for more.
In a season of chaos, the search for simple requires some effort... But it is there waiting to be found. And even this tired mommy can remember 3 things... Come to the end of Me, Slow Down, and Give Thanks. Simplicity isn't the impossible dream. It isn't some idyllic moment in the past that you wish you could go back to. It isn't some future reality where all your problems are solved. It is here and now. We just have to choose it. It is always a choice isn't it? How we respond to life and what it throws at us... Praying for the Grace to search for and choose the simple, even in the midst of the chaos.
I find myself growing weary, feeling overwhelmed, and battling impatience... Not just with the kids, but with myself! Thinking always that I should be able to handle it all with more grace, that I should be able to cheerfully serve the ones I love without this edge. That it is too much because I am not enough. Not strong enough, not organized enough, not disciplined enough... You get the picture. I have written about this very thing before, and probably will again, because it is my battleground for now. God is teaching me so much in this, but the lessons are hard, and I'm not always the best student! My heart's desire is to give my best to my husband and children, to fill our home with love and grace and peace, and allowing God to smooth out my rough edges is the only way, painful though it may be.
Keeping things simple is a challenge for every mom, regardless of family type. And just like every other area of life that I desire change, the change must always begin with me. And God is faithfully revealing areas of my heart and life that need to be simplified. I wish I could say that I welcome the change, but I always resist. So comfortable in my chaos that I say, "I'm fine. My way is fine. I'm fine with my crazy circus life." But I'm not! I am SO not fine. (Ask my husband! He might be the most long-suffering man alive. And I am so very thankful for his patience with me.) The first step to simple: Coming to the end of myself, and "my way", and consequently, to the end of my proverbial rope! This is the only place that God works. At the end of ME.
The second step to simple is a big one. It sounds easy, but has truly been one of the hardest things for me to do. Step two is to Slow Down. When I hurry, I fuel the impatient nature of my heart. One of my favorite quotes is from Ann Voskamp's 1000 Gifts. She says, "Life is not an emergency. Life is brief and it is fleeting but it is not an emergency." I repeat this to myself many times a day, when the heart races, and the clock even faster. To slow down, to be present in this very moment, not racing ahead to the next thing, is the key to calm. And calm is simple. And this is what I want. Sometimes I have to say it out loud, "Slow down. Hurry hurts." (Or sometimes sing to myself, "I can go slow, I can go slow" like on the kids' cd we listen to at preschool, though I don't recommend doing this in public unless you are ok with some strange glances...)
And step three is as far as I've gotten on this path to Simple. It is my favorite, because it has the power to take any moment and transform it immediately. Step three: to Give Thanks. Hudson, my two year old, is a constant reminder to me to be thankful. He walks around singing "God our Father, God our Father, we give thanks, we give thanks" all the time. And this is not the generic "thank you for all my blessings" kind of thanks. I mean moment by moment, actively looking for gifts to be thankful for, even in the midst of the mess kind of thanks. Another favorite quote from 1000 Gifts, "Thanksgiving creates abundance; and the miracle of multiplying happens when I give thanks--taking the just one loaf, say it is enough, and give thanks--and He miraculously makes it more than enough." Being thankful for what He gives each moment is the key to having enough, to being enough. And isn't that what my heart desires? To have enough? To be enough? Isn't all of life simpler when we feel we have adequate resources to fulfill our God-given roles? Thanksgiving keeps life simple and free from striving for more.
In a season of chaos, the search for simple requires some effort... But it is there waiting to be found. And even this tired mommy can remember 3 things... Come to the end of Me, Slow Down, and Give Thanks. Simplicity isn't the impossible dream. It isn't some idyllic moment in the past that you wish you could go back to. It isn't some future reality where all your problems are solved. It is here and now. We just have to choose it. It is always a choice isn't it? How we respond to life and what it throws at us... Praying for the Grace to search for and choose the simple, even in the midst of the chaos.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
One Thing
Dishes in my sink, laundry practically everywhere, a trail of train tracks, dinosaurs, and wood blocks all through the house, and here I sit. Not even sure why, really... Sometimes I have words already in my mind waiting to get out, but not tonight. The quote keeps coming to mind today, "Sometimes it's hard to be a woman." (Tammy Wynette, I believe?) And it almost rings true, except for the "sometimes" part! May be a truer thing to say that every once in a while you have a day that doesn't require the impossible, a day that doesn't drain you dry of all beauty and grace, a day when you go to bed feeling that you accomplished something of lasting value... But in my experience as a mom and a wife, those days are precious and few. Mostly we just get up with the sun and sometimes we stomp through the day with determination, sometimes we drag our feet in reluctant surrender. But always, always the exhaustion at the end.
A depressing way to begin a post, I know! This is just me, trying to climb out of the pit tonight. Felt this way yesterday too, and pulled out my journal and pen, re-read some of Ann Voskamp's "1000 Gifts", because I knew at the root of the hopelessness was a lack of gratitude.... Truly it was worse than that, it was ingratitude, plain and simple. A refusal to reflect on His gifts, His grace, His provision for the day, ALL this goodness. What do we do when we are so soul-tired that we become blind to it?
I grew up in church, I know the "rules", the "answers", the check-marks for a life of faith. Pray more, pray better, memorize more, read more, give more... Always more. When we are weary and worn, "more" seems more like "too much", doesn't it? I am in the process of UN-learning all those "rules" and "answers"... But I need something to replace them with. Something that doesn't depend on my own ability, spirituality, intellect or insight. Something so simple it almost seems ridiculous. Get ready to be blown away, here... One Thing. I can name one thing that I am thankful for. Some days, like today, I have to really think because my mind is spiraling down, and that is not really conducive to feeling thanks, BUT the hunt for that one thing is the very thing that stops the downward spiral and turns me around, and the one thing leads to remembering the many things, and up, up, up I go. Genius, right? Well, it isn't exactly a new idea...
Remember the old hymn that we sang (nearly every Sunday of my young life it seems), "Count your blessings, name them one by one, Count your blessings see what God has done"? I think I have missed the true meaning of those lyrics my whole life. Hearing in them just another "rule" to follow instead of the simple truth they tell.... "Name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord has done!" Yes. It will surprise you. When you name the one thing, you start to remember the many things. And you are surprised. Surprised that you didn't see it before, surprised that even when you weren't aware God was still pouring blessing into your life, and maybe a little ashamed that you didn't take time to notice right away. But always this, with surprise comes JOY. I needed a little joy tonight, how about you?
Some links to places I go for encouragement everyday:
http://www.incourage.me/
http://www.proverbs31.org/
http://www.aholyexperience.com/
A depressing way to begin a post, I know! This is just me, trying to climb out of the pit tonight. Felt this way yesterday too, and pulled out my journal and pen, re-read some of Ann Voskamp's "1000 Gifts", because I knew at the root of the hopelessness was a lack of gratitude.... Truly it was worse than that, it was ingratitude, plain and simple. A refusal to reflect on His gifts, His grace, His provision for the day, ALL this goodness. What do we do when we are so soul-tired that we become blind to it?
I grew up in church, I know the "rules", the "answers", the check-marks for a life of faith. Pray more, pray better, memorize more, read more, give more... Always more. When we are weary and worn, "more" seems more like "too much", doesn't it? I am in the process of UN-learning all those "rules" and "answers"... But I need something to replace them with. Something that doesn't depend on my own ability, spirituality, intellect or insight. Something so simple it almost seems ridiculous. Get ready to be blown away, here... One Thing. I can name one thing that I am thankful for. Some days, like today, I have to really think because my mind is spiraling down, and that is not really conducive to feeling thanks, BUT the hunt for that one thing is the very thing that stops the downward spiral and turns me around, and the one thing leads to remembering the many things, and up, up, up I go. Genius, right? Well, it isn't exactly a new idea...
Remember the old hymn that we sang (nearly every Sunday of my young life it seems), "Count your blessings, name them one by one, Count your blessings see what God has done"? I think I have missed the true meaning of those lyrics my whole life. Hearing in them just another "rule" to follow instead of the simple truth they tell.... "Name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord has done!" Yes. It will surprise you. When you name the one thing, you start to remember the many things. And you are surprised. Surprised that you didn't see it before, surprised that even when you weren't aware God was still pouring blessing into your life, and maybe a little ashamed that you didn't take time to notice right away. But always this, with surprise comes JOY. I needed a little joy tonight, how about you?
Some links to places I go for encouragement everyday:
http://www.incourage.me/
http://www.proverbs31.org/
http://www.aholyexperience.com/
Monday, July 11, 2011
Learning to Respond
"Are you a reactor or a responder?" I read this question on Facebook a few days ago. I knew immediately what the honest answer was for me... a recovering reactor trying hard to become a responder...I have so far to go. This battle is one that I fight all day everyday. In a home filled with kids and messes and arguments and chores, my patience is not always "on point". In fact, some days it seems I lack this esteemed virtue altogether. I don't really want to pray for patience, because I know how God works it into our lives and frankly, I just don't feel up to the challenge! So my prayer sounds more like this, "God, you know I need help in this area. I know I need your help in this area. Please help me, but please be gentle?" And He is faithful. He has (thus far) been gentle. Reminding me in the tense moment to just breathe, keeping me aware of the effects of my reactions, teaching me the benefits of a Godly response, flooding my life with encouraging friends, and reminding me that there is always grace to try again when I miss the mark.
When the 2 year old is whining, I'm practicing a calm and pleasant (but authoritative) response, instead of whining back at her to "stop that whining!". When the kool-aid spills all over the table and on the stacks of mail (that I should have put away 3 days ago), I am learning to just hand the embarassed child a towel and say "no big deal, I spill stuff sometimes too." When I read or hear something that makes my old defensive nature kick into high gear, I am working on immediately giving it to God, who is my Defender. When dear husband is a little tense and speaks in a tone of voice that is harsh, I'm trying hard to take my focus off my own feelings and get to the heart of what's bugging him so I can be his helper. And when I hear the big kids yelling and fighting (this is a hard one) I am not going to march into the fight with fists clenched screaming at them to "Stop the yelling!!!".
See, the problem with being a reactor is this... a reactor doesn't usually bring positive change to a negative situation. Instead, a reactor just reacts to the anxiety or stress of the moment and becomes part of the problem. As a wife and mom, I don't want to be part of the problem! I want to be part of the solution! I want to model grace and patience and gentleness so that these little (and not-so-little) ones can learn how to live it out themselves. A "response" requires intentionality... To respond is to form an answer or reply, and to form something we must put some thought into it. And if we are going to take time to put some thought into it, why not put some prayer into it as well?
This is the verse I am memorizing to help me slow down and respond instead of react...
Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongues kindles a temper-fire."
I don't know about you, but in this house I don't need to kindle any temper-fires! They seem to be burning just fine without my help! And according to this verse, with God's help I can learn to put them out. Un-learning my reactive ways will take time and effort, no doubt. But if the reward is a more peaceful and grace-filled home, then I am willing!
A great article on the subject! http://lysaterkeurst.com/2011/07/reactor-or-responder/
When the 2 year old is whining, I'm practicing a calm and pleasant (but authoritative) response, instead of whining back at her to "stop that whining!". When the kool-aid spills all over the table and on the stacks of mail (that I should have put away 3 days ago), I am learning to just hand the embarassed child a towel and say "no big deal, I spill stuff sometimes too." When I read or hear something that makes my old defensive nature kick into high gear, I am working on immediately giving it to God, who is my Defender. When dear husband is a little tense and speaks in a tone of voice that is harsh, I'm trying hard to take my focus off my own feelings and get to the heart of what's bugging him so I can be his helper. And when I hear the big kids yelling and fighting (this is a hard one) I am not going to march into the fight with fists clenched screaming at them to "Stop the yelling!!!".
See, the problem with being a reactor is this... a reactor doesn't usually bring positive change to a negative situation. Instead, a reactor just reacts to the anxiety or stress of the moment and becomes part of the problem. As a wife and mom, I don't want to be part of the problem! I want to be part of the solution! I want to model grace and patience and gentleness so that these little (and not-so-little) ones can learn how to live it out themselves. A "response" requires intentionality... To respond is to form an answer or reply, and to form something we must put some thought into it. And if we are going to take time to put some thought into it, why not put some prayer into it as well?
This is the verse I am memorizing to help me slow down and respond instead of react...
Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongues kindles a temper-fire."
I don't know about you, but in this house I don't need to kindle any temper-fires! They seem to be burning just fine without my help! And according to this verse, with God's help I can learn to put them out. Un-learning my reactive ways will take time and effort, no doubt. But if the reward is a more peaceful and grace-filled home, then I am willing!
A great article on the subject! http://lysaterkeurst.com/2011/07/reactor-or-responder/
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